Thursday, November 11, 2010
So, because I don't mind sharing my imperfections, I figured I should take a huge leap for me and admit some of my flaws.
1. I was suicidal for quite a while about 3 years ago. I had a note written and it all planned out. I would have taken my own life, had my mom not found the note before I wanted her too.
2. I blamed myself for most of the bad things that have happened in my life, and the lives of my family. I'm just now learning to overcome that self-blame.
3. I hate it when people compliment me, because I feel like they secretly just feel sorry for me, and they don't really mean it.
4. I have horrible self-esteem. It's getting better, but it isn't good...
5. I love to sing, but I don't know if I'm a good singer, so I rarely use my "real voice" when I sing around other people.
6. One of my biggest fears/obstacles is that I'm paranoid that I'm annoying or that people just don't like me and won't tell me to my face.
7. I hide at social events/church/parties/family events/etc because I'm afraid of people. I would rather work at said events than have to face my fear and actually hang out with people.
8. I sometimes fear that I will never amount to anything because of my own inhibitions.
9. I never feel good enough, so I overcompensate in any way I can.
10. I honestly feel like if I just disappeared, no one would notice, much less care, so I alternate between hiding away and being wild and crazy so people will notice me.
I think ten is enough for now. If anyone reads this and wants to post theirs in the comments, feel free to do so. I love you all. Good night and God bless.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Anyway, enough about true love. So today I wore this shirt I got on Saturday... It's got (old school) Wonder Woman on it and it says "Yeah, I'm pretty super"... Of course I was quizzing the school kids at work to see how many knew who she was... the closest anyone came was a five year old girl who said it was Wonder Girl. The farthest anyone was off was a five year old boy who said it was Ariel (as in The Little Mermaid). The absolute best response? Well, a sweetie named Logan said, with a certainty that was just spectacular, "That's Ms. Cait!" Ms. Kayla responded "No, who's on Ms. Caitlin's shirt?" And Logan repeated "That's Ms. Cait!" (Yeah, no matter how many times anyone tells him my name is CaitLIN, he argues with them and insists my name is Ms. Cait... it's so cute though!). I cannot say I was offended to be confused with Wonder Woman... She is stinkin' GORGEOUS. Anyhoo...
OH! Important news: Jackson.... well.... he got hurt.... Yeah, he was riding the new dirtbike my grandparents bought.... Went a little too fast and hit the tongue of my Papa's trailer... He has a laceration on his liver, bruises on his liver and abdominal muscles, large blister/scrape on his tummy/chest, a concussion, amnesia surrounding the wreck and subsequent ambulance ride and ER trip, and a sore arm. So basically, he needs some prayer. Poor baby is always getting hurt doing things he really shouldn't be doing....
So... I'm just throwing this out there... I think I'm officially half dude, half grandma... At least, at this present moment I am.... Watching football, drinking Dr Pepper, eating junk food, and knitting... Oh me, oh my... Oh well.... Well, I'm gonna get back to the game... Love you all. Goodnight and God bless.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Anyway, so for those of you who haven't seen me in a while will be amazed to learn that I did something stupid and got hurt... surprise, surprise. I was messing around with this punching bag, which was no big deal... Until I hit the Everlast tag on the bag, and it pretty much shredded my knuckles. It looks bad, and it hurts about as bad as it looks. In fact, I have to keep it wrapped so I won't hit my hand every two seconds and reopen the cuts. It sucks, but whatever. It's my fault for being stupid, I guess.
So, I have basically decided that caffeine is what makes my heart beat. As in, without it, my heart will stop and I will die. Why would I think this? Sunday I had a good 5 1/2 hours of sleep, which is normal for me. So I drank 4 Dr Peppers and 5 cups of coffee throughout the course of the day, came home by about 8:30, and was pretty much dead to the world. I was exhausted. I kept waiting for the adrenaline and caffeine to kick in, but they never did. I was gone.. (and I ain't back yet [ten points to anyone who knows what song that is*]).
Well, I know this post was short, but I'm currently too scatter-brained to think coherently, so I'm going to go chill out before work. Love you guys, and God bless.
*That was Ain't Back Yet by Kenney Chesney.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sorry it's been a little while since my last post... I've been a little busy. Anyway, I just have to start off by explaining how my day was... Firstly, I woke up late, then had all whiny kids at work. When I finally got to go on my extended lunch break, my car broke down just as I was about to come back to work (luckily, I always leave early and so I had time to fix my car... and I did know how to fix it... I'm just that good). I had more whiny kids to deal with. I almost lost my cool several times. You know what makes all that kinda weird? I'm still in a really good mood. I mean, I'm starving, sore, and worn out, but I'm happy. I totally don't even know why, but I am.
Oh man... This is actually not too slammed of a week. Last week was totally killer. I mean, it doesn't help that I've been halfway sick for-freaking-ever now... Just saying. But I got to hang out with Seth on Saturday... That was cool. And his DAD was the one that said I could come over... I think his dad actually likes me. I hope so! I love his whole family! Well, all of his family that I know, at least... Anyways...
So I'm officially CPR certified! Yup, I took the 3 1/2 hour long course on Thursday... It was so easy!! So now if anyone starts dying, I'll be able to help, which I hope I never have to do... I honestly hope that whole class was a total waste of my time. Although it would be cool to save someone's life, if I failed, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So, I really don't want to use my CPR. Of course, if I needed to, I totally would. In a heartbeat. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't help someone who was dying, either. Basically, I would save someone if I had to...
Anyways... I'm going to just relax a bit now, and talk to Seth on the phone... listen to music, maybe shop online a bit more... Goodnight, y'all, and God bless.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Which reminds me, I found a quote that made me smile... a lot. It's great:
Roses aren't good symbols of love. I mean, roses only last a few weeks, and that's only if you put them in water. And they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "My love for you is transitory and based solely on appearance. But a potato... Potatoes last forever. In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow stuff if you leave them. That part alone makes it a good symbol. But there's more- there are so many ways to enjoy a potato. You can even make a battery with it. And that's like saying "I have many ways in which I show my love for you." And potatoes may be ugly, but they're still awesome, and that's like saying "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you."
Doesn't that freakin' rock?! I totally agree. Of course, I have a strange view of love. The Avett Brothers also said it well in their song, Love Like The Movies: "So you want to be in love like the movies? Well in the movies, they're not in love at all. With a twinkle in their eye, they're just saying their lines, so we can't be in love like the movies." The whole song is so awesome. I love it. It's soooo true though. Everyone expects love to be just like a movie. Yeah... that ain't happenin'. Sorry, girls. I don't want it to be though... It would be predictable, boring, and stupid. I want spontaneous, fun, and challenging. How bad would it suck if you knew exactly how it was going to go down? I mean, I think that's the cause of a lot of divorces. Yeah, a ton are because people got married before they were ready, but I think another problem is that people get bored. You can't keep romance alive if you know what to expect. Of course, this is coming from a single gal, but still... I think I got a pretty good handle on this one....Correct me if I'm wrong, though. Even if it means there will be fights, I don't want a boring, safe romance. I'm not safe with anything else I do in life, so why should I be boring and safe in love? That just wouldn't make sense. And, yeah, there's a greater chance I'll get hurt. But when I find the guy I'm supposed to be with, it'll be a basquillion times better for it. I just know it.
I'll get down off of my soapbox now... Haha. Nah, really I just need to go clean up my room so I can go to bed... Otherwise I shan't be up in time for church... And that would be sooo bad. Good night, and God bless!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Anyway, today has been a good day... I didn't get a chance to work out though. I did get to experience how truly understanding my mom can be though... Why do I say that? Well, I walked into the kitchen about 30 minutes after dinner (which I cooked). When she asked me why, I answered honestly: I'm not hungry, but I'm craving sweets. She looked at me and said "There's some cookie dough in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator... Cut you off a slice and eat that." Heck yeah! It was yummy. I love junk food... That's going to be my downfall, I'm sure... Ohhh well.
So, just for my own sake, I'm going to do a run-through of my weekend... Friday- work 10-6, then Wal-Mart for knitting stuff, then church at 8 to help Mrs. Bobbie set up, then home and to bed. Saturday- Church at 7:30 for Bible Bee... no clue how long I'll be there, or what I'm doing afterward... I'm invited to a party... but I'm not sure I really want to go. I won't really know anybody... Sunday-Church... duh. So my weekend shouldn't be too terribly busy. At least not as bad as it could be. I'll actually have some downtime, which I'll probably use for knitting lessons or exercising. You know what? I love my life. I may not like my job, but aside from that, I love my life. It's pretty awesome. I can always find something to do... Even if it's just volunteering or helping someone out... I'll never run out of things to do. Oh, that reminds me... I need to clean my room sometime this weekend... And do my laundry. Urgh. I hate that part. But it must be done, or I shan't have any clothes to wear. Ah, me. Perhaps I should do that now... Nahh... Now is shower time... Right after I get all my thoughts out of my brain and into this post.
"Let's shake hands and reach across those parting lines. You've got your friends, just like I've got mine. We might think a little differently, but we got a lot in common, you will see. We're just like you... only prettier." -Only Prettier by Miranda Lambert.
Listening to that song makes me smile. It's so quirky... and half of it is very me. It's just a good song. So does Smile by Uncle Kracker. I freaking LOVE that song!! It makes me ever so happy. I think country music in general makes me a very happy girl. Ah, so I decided that this health kick thing I'm on is very good. It's making me feel pretty good about myself. I guess it's hard to feel bad about someone who's doing so much good in life. I've got a good job, I volunteer, I work out, I attempt to eat not as horribly as I used to, I try to help others whenever I get the chance, I pray more, I read my Bible more, and I just generally enjoy life more. I think it's kinda hard to hate that too much. I mean, there are still a TON of things I need to work on, but I'm definitely taking steps in the right direction. At least I'm taking steps now... Before, I was on the right track, I just wasn't going anywhere. "Even if you're on the right tracks, you'll get run over if you just sit there" -Will Rogers. I thought that was a pretty good way of looking at things.
So, anyhoo, I'm tired, it's getting late, and I need to shower. So I'm going to say goodnight to you all.... Love y'all! Good night and God bless!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Anyhoo, I think I may be turning into a good person... *pauses to allow everyone to gasp in awe* Why do I say that? Well, for one thing, I'm beginning to see myself doing favors for others for no reason at all... That's pretty cool. Like tonight, when Ms. Bobbie was freaking out because she had a ton to do at the church, but also needed to pick up her sons. So when I volunteered to go get the boys she just nodded, mouth gaping and eyes wide, as if to say "You're so great. I love you." Except she just meant "Thank you!". Still, though, it was great. And offering to buy Seth's dinner, then Ryan's... just so Ryan didn't have to spend money and so Seth didn't have to wait on his mom... I mean, neither of them let me, but still... I tried, so it counts, right? Haha, I do love doing stuff for others though... It's kind of cool. And then offering DJ rides... for life, pretty much. Although he didn't message me back... So I don't know if he got my offer... Still though... Anyway, I'm not trying to brag, I'm just making note of a change I see in myself, this time for the better. Now, if I can just keep up these positive changes... And being able to see them. I know I have good qualities, I just have to keep working on my ability to see them and accept them. That's the hard part for me. And I think this is one of those times when I'm going to have to start really trying hard... Especially if I want to keep changing myself. "Be the change you wish to see in the world".... I'm going to have to do that. "I'm starting with the [wo]man in the mirror"... Yup. That's one quote, one lyric snippet... I think I'm doing pretty good at this "stealing other people's thoughts and using them for my own good" thing...
Anyway, after today's workout and just general stress level, and the knowledge that I go in at 10 tomorrow, I'm getting a little tired... So I'm going to cut this post short. I love y'all, and will keep you all in my prayers. Good night, and God bless!
Anyway, Steph instructed me to go out of my way to have a good day today, so I am. I am currently blogging (duh), drinking coffee, and listening to the Christmas musical. I stinking love it. It was written by an FBI agent... He was only in the FBI to... wait for it... wait for it... supplement his writing career. Yeah, that's right, you heard it correctly. He worked for the FBI until his writing career took off. So, of course, he wrote a Christmas musical... based on the FBI. Yup. It sounds like it's going to be a good one. I'm so excited about it!!
Okay, so I attempted to be up early (like, 6:45ish), and instead I didn't get up until about 8:30ish. I hate when I do that. I adore waking up early. I love it more when I'm out in the middle of nowhere, but I guess suburbia will have to do for now... However, I can't wait until I can move out... I'm going to go wherever I can to get away from these crowds. Even in a neighborhood like mine, that isn't terribly crowded or close to the city, it's still too crowded and close to the city. I'm looking for... something like where the Hicks live. That's good, I guess. Ideally, I would live near a lake in the mountains somewhere... Have neighbors that are far enough away that I can't see them from my house. That's my dream. I love it. Now if I could just make myself wake up early... I did at the retreat... Of course, that could be because I slept in the loft, and the sun came right in through the window as it rose. Which was around 6. It was awesome. I love being awake with the sunrise. I'm really going to work on achieving that. And being healthier. I have always said "When I move out, I'm going to be the healthiest person ever!" Well, I'm realizing that I can be that person now... Even without moving out just yet. So, it's more water, more exercising, more consistent sleep, etc. No guarantees on health food, though... And this should help my migraines. Which would freaking rock. We'll see!!!
But anyway, I think I'm going to attempt another workout in a minute or two.... After I eat. Love y'all, and God bless!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So, anyway, my day wasn't this good the whole time. Morning/early afternoon=good. Late afternoon=icky. Night=good. Why was the late afternoon so bad, you ask? Well, mainly because I backed into a dumpster as I was trying to leave work... Dented up my car pretty badly. It even moved the dumpster a bit, so I had to go back inside to tell my boss that I'm basically an idiot who can't drive... She was concerned for my car/my safety, as was my coworker who heard/saw the whole thing, and wasn't really upset at all. She didn't seem too thrilled about having to call the owner to get him to put the dumpster back into its original place, but she understood that it was a total accident. So now I have pretty blue paint on the back of my nice dark red car... It looks wonderful. However, work wasn't COMPLETELY horrendous. I did spend all day dreaming of what I want my future to be like, though... While cleaning up after little children. I don't think I want kids. My future husband should provide enough mess for me to get my cleaning out on... Between my mess, and anything a man could contribute, I think I'll really have my work cut out for me...
Also, I am going to start a hope chest. I'm very excited about it!! And my Mimi said I could host a Pampered Chef party, using her house! Oh my goodness, that makes me soooo happy!!! I adore Pampered Chef!! You are all invited.... just as soon as I get it planned... Haha, it may be a while... But hey, when it happens, you can all come! I can't wait to be married. I know it's not going to be a fairy tale... There will be fights, and days when I just want to quit and leave, and there will be times when I question whether or not I even made the right decision in getting married. However, I have wanted to be a wife for my entire life. I feel like that is the role I would be most comfortable in. Motherhood would be cool, but being someone's wife is my ultimate goal. I long for that. As much as I like to think that either I can't find someone, or that I don't want to, it's really one of my greatest fears... That's why I'm having to turn it over to God... And I have to learn patience. It's not a virtue I possess just yet. I'm working on it though. I'm also working on loving myself. And most importantly, I'm working on my relationship with God. When I get all of that right, then I think I'll be ready. Of course, it's not really up to me at all. This is God's deal now. Which is good, because if I try to find a guy, I will never be happy. God has to do it, or I'll screw it up. I always do. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I don't desire to be insane. So I shall leave the guy thing to God. He made all the men in this world, He'll know which one is right for me. Yeah, I just made that last part up, and I think it's pretty deep. That kinda weirds me out how deeply that speaks to me... Maybe I just learned a lesson... Dang, dude, that is trippin' me out... Wow.
Anyway, I'll stop with my weirdo rambling now... Haha. I know I get a little redundant and ramble-y. That's just the way I roll. Luckily, if you read this blog, you already know that. So you're good to go. And I don't think I have any newbies... Doubt if I ever will... But that's okay. Blogging is becoming my personal outlet. It's like a diary... Or a journal. Except that anyone in the world with access to the internet has the potential to read it... That's kinda cool, yet scary. But anyhoo, I'm fairly exhausted, and I still have a shower to take... I'm sorta gross... Love you guys! Good night, and God bless!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Ah, I'm adding these lyrics to my list of things I WANT in a man:
I want a man that stands beside me
not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand by me
Be true, don't tell lies to me
I'm not looking for a fantasy
I want a man who stands beside me
I think that's a pretty good way to sum it up. It's very true... It's also a song I grew up on. So, I mean, it's pretty cool that I liked it before I fully understood the lyrics, and now that I do understand them, I love it. I love it when that happens... Which tends to happen a lot. I had good taste in music as a kid. Maybe I'm just re-realizing my awesomeness... haha. Anyway....
Didn't really work out today... Unless you count praise and worship... And tossin' the football around with Seth... In which case, I worked out today. You know, I think I'm going to count that. That was fun though. I love football. Just throwing that out there. And I would so be the kind of girlfriend that you could play tackle football with, and I wouldn't even get mad if I got hurt. I'm not that stupid. Someone remind me again why I'm single? Oh yeah, I'm secretly a man, trapped in a woman's body. That could be the problem. Also, I guess I'm not right with God just yet. I have really been working on it, though. I'm just not very good at it. At anything, really. Not just yet. The only thing I'm good at is listening to (and singing loudly, and probably badly) any country music. I love it. I have it on my laptop, desktop, TV, iPod, car radio, and my phone! Am I addicted? Yes, probably. I mean, I'm playing it now, via youtube.com. Yup. I'm that cool. I Swear by John Michael Montgomery is playing as I type these words. I love music. And nature. Too bad I can't be paid to enjoy life. That would be the best job EVER. Although a lot of people wouldn't be too good at it. That's okay though. If you enjoy life, you live longer, supposedly, so maybe I'll just have more of a life to enjoy than other people... Which is almost sad, since I'll outlive my loved ones, but still... I'm kind of a recluse anyway, so it's all good. Is it bad that I can talk about death so nonchalantly? I mean, death isn't really that bad. I mean, yeah, it's sad for those of us left here, but really, as long as it isn't terribly drawn out, death is just another phase in the cycle of life... "It's the circle of life...." I think that's a pretty good outlook to have though, because, when my time comes, I won't be scared. Which is good, since I feel that fear is pretty typically a stupid and unfounded emotion. I mean, there are some times in which fear is good. Like if God Almighty is enraged, yeah, be scared. And, yes, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of... I still think it's stupid. Like frogs. Why on God's green Earth am I afraid of FROGS?!?!? It's so ridiculous. I'm trying to get over it... unsuccessfully thus far... I'm working on it though. Especially if I want to work outside. I mean, you can't really be afraid of frogs and work outside. It's just not logical. But that's enough about my weird fear... All I'm really trying to say is that worry and fear need to just exit my life. That would make life a little better. Maybe not altogether, as then I would be doing some pretty stupid stuff, e.g. jumping off of buildings, climbing tall rickety objects, etc.
So, I think for now I'm going to sign off of here. I love you all. Good night and God bless.
Anyway, I have had a rather... interesting day. I have been hanging out with Seth all day long. Of course, that's mostly because no one else would/could. I mean, everyone else went out to eat, but they went to Brick Oven, which makes me sick to my stomach, so I avoid it at all costs.
Oh, random tidbit of information: I didn't work out yesterday as I had a super bad migraine... I was in bed by 10 PM, if that tells you anything. I think my body may still be slightly recuperating from the retreat... Oh man, I needed that retreat though. I just wish I could go back... Too bad I can't go with the Hicks when they go in November.. But that wouldn't be a good idea... I'm not invited, first of all... Secondly, I would have to either take off of work or cut my vacation short... Thirdly, I might have some... issues with the boys in the family. Ethan hates me, or at least acts that way. Michael... well, we know what the problem is there. And Seth, well, again, we know what the problem there is too... Maybe if I didn't have such a naturally flirtatious personality I wouldn't have any problems at all. Of course, testosterone is an issue there too. Which never ends well. Just throwing that out there. But whatever. I just hate that I love him... as a friend. Maybe, just maybe, when he's older... Maybe something can grow out of it then... Like with Steph and Thomas. But then again, there's always a chance that nothing will happen, we'll stay friends, and that's all it will ever be. That's what I'm thinking... Although... He did chase me. I got upset, and he did EXACTLY what I want a guy to do. He walked away (well, really he rode away on his four-wheeler), then came back five minutes later. Why can I not make myself like him?! Maybe it's just because of how young he is. Maybe it's because I'm not ready yet. Maybe it's because I'm crushing on... that one guy. (Is it totally pathetic that my fingers wouldn't even type his name just now?! Urgh, this stupid crush crap needs to go away. Like now.) Maybe... no. I don't even need to think like that right now.
Okay, so I'm going to actually go back to doing work for Steph now... Even though I don't have to... I'm just being a good helper, I guess. Later y'all... God bless.
Friday, August 20, 2010
So, I didn't work out like I thought I needed to, but I did have a dance party for about an hour... It was fun! And I'm still super sore from the lake. And my head has been hurting... So I'm going to go talk to Megan and her friend from school for a bit, then I'm hitting the shower, then bedtime. Sorry this post is soooo short, but I'm just dead tired. So later, y'all. Good night, and God bless.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Figured I'd kick this baby off with the chorus to the song that's been stuck in my head all day long. I adore this song! It's soooo cute and sweet! Aaaaaaand, it's kinda applicable, although I have realized that I won't be in a (good) relationship with anyone until I get my relationship with God going super good. So I've really got to work on it... which I did while I was at camp. And I'm going to continue to do now... Also, I've admitted my own emotions to myself... I'm having these weird feelings about that one guy (yeah, he's going to remain nameless... just in case, although I'm sure you all know who it is). I was talking to Steph about it, and she said I was just crushing on him... I replied that, if it's a crush, it's unlike any crush I've ever had. To which she gave me the deepest response EVER: maybe he's just the only one who's ever been worthy. Which completely caught me off guard... because it's TRUE. Every other guy hasn't been the kind of guy I needed, but he is. At least I think so... and my parents agree... Even Megan agrees, and that's saying something. So, I mean, he totally is the type of guy I would LOVE to marry... I mean, I'm not thinking about it, per se, I'm just throwing that out there. He's the type of guy that I wouldn't mind being with. But, anyway... It isn't going to happen... And if it does, it'll be a while, because I have to get myself in order first... So that could take a while. But I will get myself in order... Not for him though. For me. And God. My relationship with God and myself are more important than a relationship with any man could ever even hope to be. So THAT is my first priority. Also, I'm going to start working out again. And putting it on here when I do, that way, when I don't, you guys can yell at me/offer encouragement/whatever... Being at the lake (I ran/walked/swam sooo much, and it was AWESOME) made me remember how much I adore it. I truly do... I used to do it obsessively, but I'll try to avoid that.... I don't know how it's going to work out, and I know I won't be able to do it at the same time every day... unless I do it SUPER EARLY, which is a possibility.... We'll see how it all works out, I suppose. I'm just excited to see how this is going to work out. But anyway, I'm sore and exhausted and in need of a shower... Also, if I'm going to attempt to work out tomorrow morning, I need to rest up... So I shall post again tomorrow, God willing.... Love you all! Good night, and God bless.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
So, anyway, I don't have too terribly much to say anymore... Other than that I am freezing my tail off!!! I'm so tired of always being cold in my room. It is not fun. At all. I guess that means I should hit the hay... I need to get some sleep if I'm going to wake up early to help Em. Love you guys! Good night, and God bless!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My whole life I been pickin' fights
There ain't no way to win
Got a hundred scars I should have run away
Now tattooed on my skin
There's a side of me that just won't stop
Dancin' in the flame
Maybe I just get off on the pain
'Cause I love the long shots
And the left out lost causes
Hangin' out at the back of the pack
With the dark horses
I ride the wrong road
Just a fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain
That's just some of it... And here's a link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAcstCYcZzQ&feature=av2e
Yup, it's good stuff.... And I think it's pretty true. Except for me it's that I love men that I know will never love me back, or I love men that don't treat me the way they should, or that I should not love at all... It's not healthy, yet I still do it... Yeah... Now if God would just send me a man... I suck at waiting, quite frankly. Maybe that's what he's trying to make me learn: patience. Unfortunately, my problems with men and patience may cause me to break some hearts. Right now, only one, but I don't want to break any hearts at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I may be breaking this boy's heart right now. I hate that. But I don't know what to do. No matter what, he's going to get hurt, as long as he likes me. That breaks my heart. So God really needs to help me. I cannot do this alone, and he knows that. So I have no freaking clue what he's doing. Does he just want me to break this kid's heart? Because that does NOT seem like a "God plan" to me. Just throwing that out there.
Anyway, enough of that... Today was a good day, and then a horribly stressful one. I got a call from work at about 9:30; they didn't need me until 3, so Mrs. Bobbie asked me to come help her clean again. So I went over there from about 11 until 2 and cleaned. I also slit my finger open while cleaning the air vents. But I was very well compensated for my time. So that was cool. Then I got to work and every single one of my kids was being absolutely horrid. I almost lost my Jesus several times. I was in constant prayer and permanently doing the "count to ten while breathing deeply to calm down" thing... It didn't work too well, obviously. I can handle just a few of them being wild, but not TWELVE at one stinking time!!! Ohhh my gosh, it was terrible! But at least now I've got some country music playing, and that will chill me out a lot. At least I hope so... It should, though. It always does. Oh, so today I learned that I won't be going up to camp until Saturday afternoon, but I still don't have to work on Friday, praise God. I am so stoked about this vacation. It's going to freaking rock. Seriously, I'll finally get a chance to legitimately relax. Ohh, man, this is going to be radical, in every since of the word.
On a completely random note, I am loving John Michael Montgomery's songs, Sold and Be My Baby Tonight (or whatever it's called). I always have. I loved them as a kid because he sang so fast in them... Or at least I thought so at the time. Really, I like a lot of his music... I just was never aware it was all by him. Of course, as a kid, I wasn't too concerned with artists, just their music. "So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight? Take a chance, slow dance, make a little romance, honey it'll be alright. Girl, you got me wishin' we were huggin' and a-kissin', and a-holdin' each other tight. So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight?" Good stuff right there. Okay, so is it sad that his song, I Can Love You Like That, is totally what I want? That's all. Just someone to love me totally and completely. I don't expect perfection. Just love. True love. Does that even exist though? I mean, I know it does with God. But does it exist for two people? And, an even better question, will I find it? I mean, is there really someone out there for everyone? If so, then why do people die single every day? What about the person that was perfect for them, or that they were perfect for? Maybe not everyone was meant to find love... Am I one of those people? Okay, I feel myself getting despondent, and I need to stop that mess. I am only eighteen. I still have a while before I'm an old maid... Right? Yes. See that? That's me learning to not care that I'm single... Too bad I like to have someone with me... Someone to love on, lay my head on, hug, play fight with, etc. I like having a guy to be with... I don't have to love them, but if I do, it's even better. The problems arise when they love me and I don't reciprocate... Which is the situation I'm trapped in now... I didn't know he liked me until it was way too late. Now I don't know what to do... If I ignore him, it'll break his heart. If I keep it up, it'll break his heart. Either way, he winds up heartbroken, and I feel like a cold-hearted... snake. Yeah, snake. I don't want to be that girl. I hate those girls. I don't want to be one of the girls I hate. Urgh. I quit life. I just want to sit on the sidelines and watch the game. I decided life is basically no-rules rugby. So, if I quit, I can sit in the bleachers, eating all the yummy ballpark food without gaining weight or anything, and I get to laugh at all the people still playing this war we call "the game of life". I think it's a pretty good plan. Anyone care to join me? I'll save you a good seat.
So, I guess I'll shut up now... I've whined enough for one night, and I have some music to listen to. If I don't, I may lose my mind. I think my brain is melting in a ooey, gooey mess that will soon begin pouring out of my ears. Thus, I shall lose my brain. I think that means I need a break... or retirement. Either one would be good. Although I'd prefer being paid to retire. Can I do that? Be a professional relaxer? Or professional vacationer? Or professional hermit? Something of the sort... That'd be nice. Maybe I can hike the country and write reviews for all the places I go... Ha. That's too good to be a real job. But, as a minimalist in training (I'm being trained by myself, of all people), I think I could subsist on a smaller income than most. Also, I don't really eat, so that saves money. Or sleep. I can do that outside. I'll invest in a tent, and I'll never have to have a house or rent a hotel room... That'd be cool. Anyway, I'm going to go now, so I can pretend to relax for a while... Good night, y'all, and God bless.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Okay, so qualities I WANT my future man to possess:
- TRUE Christianity
- Chivalry (if I have it, they should too!)
- Strength, and not just physical
- A desire to protect/defend/fight for what's right/what he loves
- Desire to support me, and not necessarily financially
- Good sense of humor
- Ability to forgive
- Ability to see the bright side of things
- Heart for others
Yeah.... that's all I can think of right now.
Now for the qualities I DON'T want in a man:
- Abusive behavior (duh...)
- Stuck up/cocky
That list is substantially shorter... I know I'm going to add to this and revise both lists... But for now, I think that covers it... If I missed anything, let me know.
Please hurry and get here. It's urgent. It's an emergency. It's a matter of life and death. MY life, soon to be my death if you don't get here.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh my word, I am sooooo exhausted and my head is killing me. Migraines and child care don't mix too well... about like gasoline and fire. But, (and that's one "but" I'm pretty fond of) Friday is the start of my first stress-free vacation since... Colorado. Kinda. That was still a little stressful. But all family vacations are. I prefer to go somewhere pretty, maybe a few organized activities, but mostly just a "hey, do whatever you want" type thing. I like just relaxing. If I want to go to the lake, I'll go. If I just want to lay in bed (yeah, like that's going to happen), I will. That's my kind of vacation. And I'm pretty stoked that I finally get one. It's going to be great. If I can just survive until then... Although, I really am pumped about the Pampered Chef party I'm going to Thursday night, hosted by Mrs. Bobbie. It's going to be pretty stinking rad.
So, my loverly "friend" (the boy who likes me, and knows it is NOT mutual) has kicked it up a notch... I'm now his "pretty flower", which I promptly told *the girls*. Now it is an inside joke, with Steph and I calling each other "pansy", "hibiscus", "gerbera daisy", "hiacinth", etc. It's so stinking funny. He kinda cracks me up... Does that make me a bad person? I'm pretty sure it does... Ohhhh well.
Okay, so for now, I think I need to go clean up my room a bit and then hit the hay. I didn't go to sleep last night 'til around 1:30... Good stuff. Except I'm a freaking zombie today. So... So long, farewell, auf viederzehn (sp?), adieu... Good night, and God bless.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Now that I've gotten my obligatory deep, spiritual stuff out of the way (just kidding, kinda)... I think I may need prayer. I messed up my lower back- the right lower back, to be specific- and I'm not sure what's wrong. However, I do know that I have to perform Silent Witness tomorrow, and can barely move. This cannot end well. And because it's me (and there's only 3 other people performing tomorrow) I shall simply have to tough it out. I practiced a couple of times tonight, and no one should be able to tell that I am in pain. I don't grimace or wince, so it'll be okay. But still, it is making my job at the daycare even harder, as I can barely lift kids, or bend over, or squat down, or sit down, etc. So if you would, please pray for me.
On a more pleasant note, I got the EGR valve for my car... Let's just hope it's the right one. They ordered two, because no one knew which one I needed, so I have to get this one put in. If it fits, yay! If it doesn't, I simply return it and get the other one. Joy of joys. This shall be fun. It will all pay off in the end though, as my gas mileage will return to its original state of awesomeness.
Alas, it is 11:35 and I still have laundry to finish, Bible to read, and prayers to pray before bed. So I must bid you all farewell. Perhaps I shall see you tomorrow at church. I love you all, and I am praying for you. Good night, and God bless.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I simply adore your book. I needed to read it. Thank you for being brave enough to write it, as I know that could not have been an easy task.
So, in case you couldn't tell, I read Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge... I started it Saturday night and finished it today. Sunday I was sick, so no reading. But, oh my goodness, if you haven't read this book yet, DO IT NOW!!!! It should be required reading for all women. This book has to be Heaven-sent, and that's not an exaggeration. I mean, I seriously believe it was commissioned by God Himself. It is that good. Yup. So go read it. If you've read it already, then you agree with me, right?
Ah, so back to life... Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I've been rather sick, and I still am, but now I have "feel-good pills", otherwise known as sinus decongestants (or something like that). Seriously though, every single time the Hicks family is out of town, I get sick... I vote they stop leaving me. But that may be just my own selfish desires... Haha, but anyway, I'm so stoked about these next few weeks... Wednesday is church, Thursday is date night with Meg, Friday is some sort of dinner/game night with some person from NLC, Saturday is Bible Quizzing (I think?), Sunday is church... Then the next weekend is BOOTCAMP!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. This is going to be great. Also, I ordered the EGR valve for my car! Now I need tires and an air conditioner and my car will be as good as new (pardon my cliché). I feel so grown-up now... I am spending my own money on medicine, car parts, food, et cetera (and yes, I wrote that all out just because I can...). Now I just need to head to college and move out and I'll be legit. Of course, that may take a while....
Anyway, on to more... gossip-y type mess. So tonight I made the mistake of saying my mom's taste in television shows was less than stellar. Apparently, that's code for "You are a stupid, idiotic failure and no one loves you." I was unaware that is what that translated to... But okay. So while my mom is sitting there lashing out, due to her injured feelings, all I could think was "Okay, so I can't say you don't watch good TV, but you can say anything you want about me? How is that fair?" Now, I know she's the mom, and therefore has a right to say certain things, but she and my dad both have a way of saying things that cut me to the core and make me feel... unappreciated, unloved, not special, not good enough, and just generally like a failure. I mean, I just finished Captivating, which basically says that all of that is not true, but it still hurts. Especially coming from my parents. For example, they told Megan they expect a 3.9 GPA when she graduates (FYI: that's pretty much impossible, even the school agrees). So when I asked why they would do that, when they said nothing about me graduating with something along the line of a 3.3, they responded "We just don't expect that much from you"... Well... Why not? Oh, and what was their reasoning for their desire for me to go to ASU Beebe and not UCA? They figure I'll just drop out and become a homemaker anyway, so why waste the money on a better, but more expensive, school? That crushed me to the core. That completely broke my heart. Did I tell them that? Absolutely not. That would not make anything better at all. In fact, it would only worsen the situation. I know that from previous experiences. If I say I was hurt by something someone said, I am accused of being weak, whiny, and various other things until I'm the one apologizing. So, in order to avoid that mess, I'm trying to forgive them without letting them know I'm even hurt. I mean, this is one of the reasons I spend more time with people like Emily, who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. She makes me feel like I could do anything in the world, while my parents expect me (and yes, they actually said this to my face) to drop out of college, settle for a less than stellar guy, marry him, have a kid or two, and just be a "homemaker". Now, honestly, I have absolutely nothing against homemakers. In fact, I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, once I have kids. But the negativity in their voices, the connotation that, by becoming that person, I would be a failure, broke my heart. And, as I'm sure you all know by now, I don't handle heartbreak very well. I trust my parents... But they don't have any faith in me at all. I just don't see how I'm going to be able to live up to God's plan for me, when my parents don't think I can even live up to their bare minimum. This is why I go outside of my family for my support group. I tell Emily just about everything. I tell my parents practically nothing. I know they hate it, but Emily listens and then tells me that I can, that I am good enough, smart enough, that I am blessed, loved, supported, believed in, wanted, needed, desired. She really is my best friend. I wouldn't trade her for the world. Now I know I can't rely on her for validation, that's God's job (read the book and you'll get it), but she does offer me the love and support I need in order to keep trying. Because, honestly, I want to be the strong, beautiful, captivating woman of God that I know I am inside... I just can't seem to let her out just yet. I am going to continue to work on it, but until I can make peace with my demons, I know that can't happen. And one of my biggest "demons" is my belief that anything negative spoken about me, especially by those people whom I love and respect, must be true, whereas positive statements should be analyzed, criticized, and cast out. It's a huge hindrance that I must overcome, and I shall. God made me an overcomer, I know that without a shadow of doubt. I just need to let myself be weak, so that I may be made strong in Him, that I might overcome this battle inside myself. But for now I must stop preaching so that I can go to sleep sometime tonight. I love you all dearly. Good night, and God bless.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Anyway, Silent Witness is performing First Wednesday, apparently. What song? Good question. But since there's like 4 of us, we'll all have solos. I'm kinda hoping we do Holy Thou Art God. I love that song, and we haven't done it in a while... Like, a long while. And it would work out well, I think. What with the solo breakup and everything.... But I know none of you really care about the behind-the-scenes stuff of SW, just the finished product. Which is understandable.
So yeah.... I decided that all the "ironic hipsters" of the world should get their hair cut like any member of A Flock Of Seagulls... Just a suggestion though. I personally think it would be hilarious to see tons of kids walking around with their hair all weird-like... But maybe that's just me?
Okay, so today I got my new phone cover in the mail... Also, I FINALLY got an antenna for my car... I haven't saved any money for an air conditioner, and I haven't ordered an EGR valve, or put money aside for tires, but I do have a working radio now, so it's all good. Now if my book would just get here...
Also today, I decided I wanted cake... Since I had a box of cake mix left over from my grandma's party, that was easy... And no, I didn't put anything on it. Not even icing. It's just a plain chocolate cake... It's soooo good though. I'm of the belief that good cake doesn't need icing. And now I have my cake, and I'm eating it, too.
Alas, for the first time in my life... I have nothing more (that's coherent, at least) to say... Strange, I know. So I suppose I shall go watch country music videos until I pass out. Love y'all. Good night and God bless.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Speaking of irrelevancy, I saw a shirt the other day that made me laugh. It said "Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant". I laughed so hard. And I don't know why. That's only slightly funny, but it just makes me laugh. You can see other shirts like this, including this one, at www.snorgtees.com. So visit it, if you feel so inclined.
So, I cannot wait for my book to come in the mail... And my phone cover. But mostly my book. Walden, by Henry David Thoreau. I am so excited about this. I want to live this way. For those of you who do not know, Walden is basically a journal Thoreau kept while living on Lake Walden, alone, in a cabin. Which is exactly what I want to do. Except not on Lake Walden... Somewhere closer, preferrably. And if Em remembers, I shall also have Captivating to read soon. Which I'm also very pumped about.
Okay, so tomorrow I have got to remember to get that part for my car.. And I need gas. All this needs to be done before work tomorrow... So before 10. Unless they call me and say they don't need me (Oh, please, dear Lord, let it be so...). I really don't want to work that shift... I'll keep the 3-6, but would prefer not working the 10-1 prior to that. I know my paycheck would enjoy the extra hours, but my body would not. I'm so stinking worn out. And don't say it's from a lack of sleep. I have slept a full eight hours two whole nights in a row this week. And that's saying something. It is from this wonderful thing called "stress". I think I need a vacation... Ah, well, only 16 more days 'til bootcamp! Which isn't a technical "vacation", as I'll be working with kids the whole time, but it's time away from normal life. I'm pretty stoked, actually. Plus, it means I finally get to go swimming!
Oh, random story time. Christian, a 10 year old boy from church, was answering some multiple choice questions I was reading him, and one of them he gave me an answer before I read them to him. Excitedly, he proclaimed "I'm psycho! I knew you were going to say that!". I shook my head and said "Psychic, maybe?". He laughed, I laughed, 'twas grand.
Alas, my dear mother is concerned that I do not sleep enough, so she wants me to get off the internet... So I must bid you all farewell for now. Good night, and God bless.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I think that quote is how I'm probably going to wind up living. I mean, I already pull the whole "Eh, it's only 2 AM, what's another hour?" mess. I only take "vacations" in order to work for the church, like for bootcamp (which I'm SOOOOO excited about!!!!!!). I am learning to live the way I want to, because honestly don't have to worry about embarrassing my boyfriend, as I don't have one (I'm also learning to be single... it's hard, but I'm getting better). That means I can go out on dates with myself, or just hang out with my friends, the few I have left (Hi, Rachel!), without worrying that my boyfriend will be mad. It's pretty awesome, actually, to have that freedom and independence. When I was dating Zack, I was afraid to do anything without him, because he always got upset when I chose to hang out with my friends instead of him... However, when he cancelled dates and left me stranded places because he said he would pick me up, but then decided hanging out with his neighbors sounded more fun, I was supposed to be totally fine with that. But it's whatever. It's in the past now, and I'm soooo far gone. I left that relationship running and haven't looked back once. It's kinda sad that I can do that, you know.... Leave a 2 1/2 year relationship with no regrets, desires to rekindle that, or even any sadness at all. I mean, I'm pretty sure that makes me a cold-hearted snake (and yes, I was actually called that by *someone*, who shall remain nameless). But I truly wasn't happy in that relationship. I actually had a woman, Michelle, who totally made my day; she told me she was proud of me for ending it with Zack, and that she thought I was brave for making the right choice, no matter what other people said. It really caught me off guard, though, when she said that because everyone else had been telling me how horrible of a person I was for "breaking that poor boy's heart". But I KNOW I did the right thing, no matter what anyone says. And now Zack even agrees, obviously, as he's dating Rachel... But anyway, I'm chasing rabbits. What I was getting at is that I don't care anymore what anyone says: I want to live my life the way I want to live it. If that means I want to randomly drive to Starbucks, or dance in the rain, or sing at the top of my lungs while dancing around my room in sweats and stilettos, or whatever it is, I'm going to do it. Especially that last one... I do that a lot. It's fun. I truly recommend it for any woman. Any music will do. And you don't even have to be a good dancer. I'm not. I just let loose and have fun. Plus it's a totally good workout. What more reason do I need?!
But anyway, I had a few "work stories" that I feel need to be shared... Firstly, this little boy, Peyton, who is 3, and I were just being silly and making funny faces at each other, when he got right up in my face and stuck his tongue out. So, of course, I made a funny face. Then he decided to kiss me on the lips. I was in shock... It kinda caught me off guard... Then today, this 5 year old, Jacob, walked up to me and told me, very seriously "I love you". And not in the typical "cute kid telling his teacher" way... It was like the "boyfriend telling a girlfriend" way... I was only able to say "Yeah... love you too, Jacob" before I walked away to crack up laughing. It was funny... But very cute. So yeah. And multiple times this one 3 year old, Keith has attempted to feel my boobs.. He even stuck his hands in my sleeves to feel my bra... I just pulled his hands away and went to "check on the other kids", which translates to "get away from him". Then there was the boy (not one in my class) who was putting rocks down his diaper and got one stuck... in his... umm... manhood. I guess "boyhood" would be more appropriate... But anyway. Yeah, my friend, Abby, who works with me, was telling me about it... It was very interesting. Daycare workers really do have the best "work stories". That is one of the many things I love about my job...
Anyhoo, for the SECOND time tonight, I'm currently watching Superstar Sessions on GAC, which is basically an hour full of music videos from one singer. Who is the singer featured tonight? DIERKS FREAKIN' BENTLEY. I adore him. I would so marry him. In a heartbeat. Just saying. Also tonight, my mom sent me to buy milk. So what did I come home with? 2 gallons of milk, a King Size Reese's, 2 King Size KitKats, and a bag of peanut M&M's twice the size of the normal bag. PMS? Maybe. Did I get my chocolate fix? Heck yeah, and I only ate the M&M's. But I'm hiding the other candy for later. If someone were to search my room, they would find that I hide all of my good food. And I hide it very well. At one point I had a Mr. Goodbar hidden under my graduation cap, but now there's nothing there... Haha. And I shall not disclose anymore of my supersecret hidey holes. Sorry guys. Bwahahaha.
Okay, so I have a new addiction, besides my addictions to coffee and Dr Pepper... www.stumbleupon.com . It is amazing. You enter your likes/interests and hit this button that says "Stumble", and it takes you to websites it thinks you may like. You either give the website a thumbs down, or you give it a thumbs up, which saves it to your favorites so you can revisit it and it also revises your interests to better provide you with websites you'll enjoy. It is totally rad. I adore it. And you can add friends too! But, alas, I need to clean my room, so I shall bid you all goodnight. Hasta luego. God bless.
She Ain't Right- Lee Brice
She got her daddy's tongue and temper
Sometimes her mouth could use a filter
God shook His head the day He built her
Oh, but I bet He smiled
She loves and lives her life a little unruly
Tears up that dirt road in a dualy (Sp?)
And in a little while
She'll be roundin' that corner on three wheels
Ain't slowin' down, yellin' "Come on, jump in"
Always up to somethin', crazy got nothin' on her
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me
She says she wants to meet my mama
I said "I don't think you oughta"
Be like mixin' oil and water
But by midnight she had
Mama on the coffee table dancin'
Good God, I swear
Can't take her anywhere
What's the girl gonna do next
Every once in a while she'll give me that smile and say
"I just don't see somebody like you lovin' somebody like me"
Ain't that a good song? And a very accurate description of me? I feel like it is... It even encompasses my self-esteem issues. And that is very hard to do. I mean, I've actually said those exact words multiple times... Which is sad and pathetic, really, but it's how I feel... So yeah. But that song was playing in my head last night and still is now, so I figured I'd share it with y'all. But now I must go get ready for work. I may post more tonight... Maybe. We'll find out together, I suppose. Love you all, and God bless.
Monday, July 26, 2010
But enough about my bluegrass/country music... Yesterday, I spent the entire day with Rachel (Hi, Rach!)... I'm not sure if Zack (my ex, her current boyfriend) was upset or not... Do I really care? No. Absolutely not. But whatever. I had a blast with her though. So much better than my "me date" I took on Friday... I realized that I just need more friends to hang out with, and I'll be fine. At least, I hope I'll be fine. Being with her made me realize just how lonely I've been... Maybe that's good, but I've always clung tightly to the belief that, if you ignore problems/emotions, they'll either go away on their own, or by the time they come back to the surface, you'll be better equipped to handle them. At least, that's what I'm hoping for... Like loneliness: If you don't pay attention to it, you don't get depressed/upset. You will not think to be upset about being alone if you just think you're fine alone. But that's a very stupid philosophy, and I know it from experience. However, that's a fact I tend to ignore. I know it's silly, but I'm tired of hurting... Being hurt, and hurting others. It makes me sick when I hurt others. And as far as being hurt goes, I think I've had my fair share. I mean, apparently not, since it's just going to continue, but I really don't feel like I'm capable of taking on anymore heartache, hurts, pains, etc. I guess I'll just have to get stronger between now and my next relationship/friendship... Especially relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I love too much, too soon. I trust that person with everything I am. And then they let me down. Right when I'm at my most vulnerable place, I get hurt. That's why I have relationship issues, I guess. I can't have a good relationship, because I can't seem to get into a healthy relationship. Maybe I never will, or at least not until I truly love myself AND accept myself. And that's something I've been working on for a while now. But I guess I have no other choice. It's either that or I shall be alone/in a bad relationship for the rest of my life. "Bad angel, get off my shoulder. Bad angel, let me be. I'm standing at the crossroads of temptation and salvation street...". Is it totally pathetic that one of my biggest temptations is to hate myself? Because it really is... And I know that's all spiritual warfare, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to defeat this. I feel like I showed up to a gunfight with nothing but a switchblade knife. God really likes to challenge me, I'm sure of that. Maybe it's going to work out in the end, and I'll be a better person because of it...That's what I'll tell myself for now, anyway. And what sucks the most is that I can't really talk to anyone about it. Steph is too busy/indifferent (it seems that way, even if it's not), Seth H. gets mad, Seth J. is too busy, Rach is busy/far away, and everyone else is busy or simply doesn't care. So I have to vent and get it all out via this blog. My apologies to all those who read this and are either annoyed, bored, or whatever by this whininess. I shall stop for now... I'm going to continue listening to Dierks Bentley and pray that this feeling passes. Love y'all, and God bless.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Anyway, I know that was of no interest to anyone but me, so I'll move on now. I'm absolutely certain now that I am an idiot. I always thought I was, but now I know. Now, don't start arguing and pulling out the "Oh, no, Caitlin, you're so smart" crap. I am an idiot. Why do I say this? Well, I have been trying to pull a scorpion (cheerleading move in which you grab your foot and pull it up straight behind your head... it's not exactly easy) for ages now, and I've been doing better. Well, night before last, I decided to try it again... in my 5 inch stilettos. FYI: When one is wearing heels, one's leg muscles are already extended. Attempting to pull a scorpion in said heels will result in a pulled hamstring, which is very painful. So I've been limping around like a fool for the past two days. That just makes me stupid though. What makes me an idiot? I'm wearing the same heels tomorrow, knowing very well that it will hurt. I know this because I tried them on for no more than 10 minutes tonight, and am now in excruciating pain. This rocks. I am an idiot. Also, my legs are on fire. I didn't shave the way I'm supposed to, so now it hurts. This is what I get for trying to be lazy. I should win the award for Idiot Of The Year. Just throwing that out there. If anyone wants to vote for me, you have my full permission.
So, anyhoo, I adore country music. Also, country men. And just the country in general. I just thought everyone should know that. Honestly, though, I think I'm addicted to Dr Pepper and country music. I mean, I will go out of my way for either one. I'll put it this way, in case you didn't catch it in the previous post (I'm pretty sure I put it in there... yeah, I did), I plan on buying an antenna for my car BEFORE buying a new air conditioner, or even putting money back for one. Does that make me crazy, or what?! I'm thinking it does make me at least slightly nuts.
But anyway, I'm cold and I have church early tomorrow morning, so I'm going to at least lay down... Maybe tonight I'll get a decent amount of sleep, though I really doubt that, as I took an hour long nap today... Ah, well, así es la vida, triste y podrida. See y'all tomorrow... Love you all, and God bless!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Anyway, if you haven't seen the pictures of the cake I baked, you can check them out on my facebook, as blogger won't let me upload them... Which is suckish, but whatever. No one reads this that isn't my friend on Facebook, so it's cool.
Also, I would just like to say one thing: IT'S FINALLY THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!! Praise God! After this week, I'm so entirely ready for bootcamp, but it's not until August 13 for workers... So I've got a while still... Oh well. I'll make it. I did get board shorts to wear though! And I think they're cute. They're kinda boyish though... probably because I got them from the boys' section at WalMart... haha.
Okay, I'm gonna go for now... Love you all! God bless.
Monday, July 19, 2010
So, I totally stole this from Jarrett's blog, but I read it, and put my own little spin on it...
The last part of this verse is the most important part, in my opinion... "To set at liberty them that are bruised..." As Jarrett said, for one to truly understand this, one has to think about a literal bruise:
-It's today's (painful) reminder of yesterday's hurts.
-We often guard it, and treat it very carefully.
-We tell people to be careful, not to get too close, and to watch out.
-We often get so wrapped up in avoiding another painful injury, that we become slaves to our bruises.
What is the bruise you are protecting? I have several... and, honestly, I've become a slave to my past... to my fear of future pains... to my fear of heartache and sorrow. I'm forgetting to have fun, to live a little, to enjoy myself as the 18 year old I am... It's sad, and I am now bound and determined to change. I don't want to be a slave anymore. I've always been the slightly rebellious type, not one to be controlled in any way, yet I have enslaved myself. I have done to myself the one thing I have always said I would never let anyone do to me... I have allowed myself to be controlled and conquered. As a person, I'm slightly put off that I would be so ridiculous as to allow this to happen. This makes me feel weak, which is one thing I DESPISE with a passion. I hate feeling weak, and out of control, and that's exactly the position I've put myself in. Now, I must attempt to lose control yet again, in order that God be able to take control. I've long tried to control myself and my emotions, and it never works... at least not well. So, I know I need to give this over to God... It's just going to take some work... Maybe He'll help me with that, too. I guess we'll see... eventually.
But for now, I must go. I have cakes to bake... Decorating them tomorrow... Church Wednesday... Party (for which the cake was made) Thursday... Friday? Who knows?! Ah, well, adieu. God bless, my dears.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
So anyway, just in case you don't know and are wondering why I wasn't at church for the last part of first service or second service, it's because I threw up a bit from a migraine, so Stephanie sent me home. It was nothing too bad, but she didn't want me making myself worse by continuing to work. Which is totally understandable. So, I came home and slept all afternoon, and now that I need to sleep, I'm not tired. I figure I'll wait a little longer, and if I'm not tired by then, I'll take some medicine that the doctor let me keep. It's an antidepressant that he gave me for migraines, but since it doesn't work, he said I can use it as a sleep aid, another use it has. So if I can't sleep, I'll just take one or two and hope I wake up in time tomorrow. I think it's a good plan.
Just for those of you who are concerned about the migraines, there is nothing technically wrong with me... Just genetics. However, medicines only work for a month, maximum. That leads to several problems. I only have a few choices left: Botox injections 4 times a month at several hundred dollars each, spending $400 every two weeks for medicine that won't work for very long, lifestyle changes, or pregnancy. The pregnancy idea came from Emily. As all previous migraine sufferers in my family have been men, I don't know that this would work, but Em said that, after getting pregnant, she never got migraines anymore. So that's a thought... However, IF I ever even get married and decide I want kids, it will be a loooong time. The first two ideas are expensive and stupid, especially the Botox. So, I'm left with lifestyle changes... And that means changing everything: stress levels, food, sleep habits, exercise more, etc. It's going to suck, quite frankly. But it's what I have to do if I want to get rid of these migraines, which I do. I guess I can make it happen...
But for now, I shall have to go, so that I may attempt to sleep soon. I love you all! Good night, and God bless!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Gather 'round kiddos, it's story time (very short story, albeit, but a story nonetheless). As I was walking through Knight's today, I noticed the "international" aisle had flags from various countries hanging above it... Then I saw the Texas flag... Wait, what? When did Texas become a different nation?!? Did I miss something? I mean, I knew it was an independent nation, but wasn't that a while ago? So I would love an explanation as to why a Texas flag is hanging above the INTERNATIONAL section. Anyone?
So I'm thinking I'm not going to keep harping on my guy issues, because when I do, it brings *him* to the forefront of my mind... Not cool. So I'm going to avoid that topic for a while.
But for now, I need a shower and I have to do some laundry... So, I shall post again soon. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. God bless, y'all!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Anyhoo, I've completely exhausted every ounce of energy my body possibly possessed, and then some. I have driven myself so far past the point of exhaustion and extreme stress that it's not even cool. I rarely eat, and when I do, I don't eat very much at all. I don't get much sleep, and it's not even good sleep. I work, I clean, I teach, I volunteer... I do anything that's asked of me, no matter what. Even though it usually means that I'm going to be tired and stressed... I've gotten better at handling it. I mean, I really should be sleeping right now, but I'm so stressed, I know I can't sleep. However, not sleeping merely adds to the stress. Basically, it's a never ending cycle... Ohhh well. I guess I'll get rested up one day... Maybe.
So, I decided I REALLY want to go to the lake. Like, really, really badly. I would prefer to go with some friends, but as I don't have any friends, I guess I'll just have to wait until bootcamp... Or I could go by myself, like a nerd... Joy. I think I'll just wait 'til bootcamp. Then I'll be with my... "friends". I guess that's what they're called... I don't know.. They don't talk to me anymore, even if I try to talk to them first... I think I annoy them, but it's okay, I guess... I'm used to it now...
But enough whining.... I decided I'm truly, madly, deeply in love... with country music. It's just.. amazing. It helps me chill out and relax a bit. It's seriously one of my great loves. Dr Pepper and coffee are two of my other great loves... As far as people go, I don't think I have any great loves... Except my family, but whatever... I mean, boys-- I can do without them... I think. Haha. We'll find out eventually! But for now, I should probably go... Love y'all! God bless!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Also, I made a guy's day yesterday... At least, I like to think I did. I went to Joe Bravo (small, but awesome coffee shop across from Knight's) and only had a $20 in cash. I ordered a Caramel Mudd Machiatto, which costs $4.75. So after some small talk with the (very cute) guy working there, he handed me my change, which was $15.25. So I casually left a $5 tip. He figured out what I had done and just got the biggest smile I've ever seen. It totally made my day. I think I should do that more often...
And, today I made a rocking mocha frappuccino. It is awesome! And it was done in a semi-homemade way! Rock on!
But I think I've bragged enough for one post. So, for now, I shall bid you all farewell. God bless.
Monday, July 12, 2010
"Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life's greatest tests alone." -Agnes McPhail.
So I decided that I'm okay with living in solitude for the rest of my life. I'm actually pretty excited about the prospect of never having to worry about pleasing others. And say what you will, I do have to please others, as long as there are others to please. It's just a part of who I am. I'm a people-pleaser; always have been, always will be. And as much as I hate it, I still can't tell people "no". I just can't, and it sucks. I truly wish I could, because that would save me so much stress, time, and energy. But that's totally not going to happen anytime soon at all. I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with stress and exhaustion until I'm rich enough to afford to escape. I can't wait to get away from it all. And if I stay single forever, I'll never have to worry about all the disappointment and pain that comes with relationships. It's a pretty good plan, I think. And if I can go through with it, no one else will ever be hurt by me, either. Which would make me very happy. I hate hurting others, even moreso than I hate being hurt by others. Therefore, I want to save up a ton of money (or win the lottery, haha) and move out into the mountains, to a two or three room cabin. I won't need anything very big, as it would just be me, myself, and I. Nor would it be hard for me to take care of myself. I would find ways to get everything done, without a man to help me. Plus I wouldn't have to worry about tending to the house as much, cooking for two, or anything else that comes with married life. Besides, I'm beginning to think marriage is not as great as everyone else says it is. I've seen too many people burned to really have faith that marriage is even worth it for me. And that's only IF I were to ever find a man willing to marry me, for whom I reciprocate the feelings. I'm thinking either that's not going to happen, or it's going to be a while. Which is fine. If God does want me to get married, I'm sure it won't be any time soon, as He just loves to test patience, at least, that's how it seems. But, honestly, I couldn't care less. I understand now that God has given everyone of us a wonderful gift, solitude, and most people reject it and don't appreciate it. I think I can see solitude as the beautiful thing that it is. Solitude gives us the opportunity to truly reflect on God's power, beauty, and awesomeness. It allows us to get to know ourselves better, which can be daunting, but is rather worthwile. If one can learn to love their own self, they will never be alone: "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with" -Wayne Dyer. Besides, I'm a loner. It's just my personality. I prefer to be alone. My parents actually get frustrated because I would rather be cooped up in my room than hang out with anyone. I really don't have that many friends, and that's fine with me. It seems like I'm getting more and more introverted as I age. By the time I'm 30, I'll have maybe 2 or 3 friends, and that's fine with me. I lose friends like most people lose hair, haha. And, to tell the truth, it does hurt, but I'm getting stronger. One day, it won't hurt at all... at least, that's what I'm hoping for. I just think that once I truly begin to love myself, it won't matter whether or not others love me as well. Thus, losing "friends" won't hurt. I'll be better off alone than with friends who don't truly love me. But that's just my random rant for the day.
On a more positive note, I read something the other day that was so hilarious, I laughed until I CRIED. Not lying at all, or even exaggerating. I shall include a link to said awesomeness. It is definitely worth your time. Promise.
Did you laugh at it? I did! Well, I shall now say goodbye... at least for now. Peace out and God bless.