"Ain't going down 'til the sun comes up..."

Well, we bought another horse and a saddle.. Horse will be here in about a week or so.. The saddle fits me perfectly! And the new horse is 4 years old, so we can start breaking her as soon as she gets here! Which means I'll have a lot of work to do.. but that's okay with me! I love working with horses... I'm really excited...

Of course, I have a lot to be excited about right now... New horse, pilates is kicking my booty (I'm already seeing results!), that boy... Yup. Life is good. I'm getting used to my work schedule too, which is good... I thought the 6:30-3 shift would kill me, since Lord knows I don't go to sleep early, but I've just gotten to the point that it's hard for me to sleep longer than 5 or 6 hours, even when I have the option... It just means I wake up in time for the sunrise and the coolest part of the day.

Ooh! All none of you that read this should be so proud of me! I'm becoming confident in my own skin! Which is insanely awesome for me... just saying. I've always hated just about everything about myself, but I'm getting to the point that I actually like myself for me! It's pretty awesome, actually... According to my daddy, that's why more guys have taken an interest in me here lately.. I'd believe it... Maybe one day I'll get one of them to be in a relationship with me... If I'm really lucky, he won't be creepy, unattractive, or unintelligent! Now, if I can just keep my foot out of my mouth for the most part (which is really hard for me), then maybe I'll accomplish some stuff... Maybe.

Anyway, I should really go to bed soon.. I won't, but I really should, so maybe if I stop blogging, I'll be more likely to go to sleep. I love you guys! Goodnight and God bless!

"Free and easy down the road I go..."

So, basically, I'm procrastinating right now.. I really don't feel like cleaning yet, and since I'm gonna be home alone all day (and probably all night), it doesn't really matter when I clean, right? Anyway... I think I'm going to like this summer... I've made some new friends, have some awesome stuff planned, and I'm talking to this super cute boy. Yup. Me. I am. It's that boy from the bowling alley... I messaged him on Facebook, where he said he lost my number and asked me for it.. So I gave it to him, and we've been talking nonstop since then... It's pretty exciting, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high... I've learned from my previous mistakes... I've gotten smarter than that. Still though, it's nice to talk to a guy who isn't psycho... For some reason, I tend to attract unattractive psychos... This guy is the total opposite though... He's definitely someone you would think I would be attracted to, purely because of how different we are about so much stuff... He kinda reminds me of a guy version of Megan, if that makes any sense at all.. Anyway, I'm gonna go clean house a bit, then shower and go pick Meg up from work.. Who knows, I may do something fun tonight! Haha! I love you guys!! God bless!

"We'll all be drinking that free bubble up, and eating that rainbow stew..." :)

So I had a good night... My day wasn't so hot, but my night was good. I slept for literally TWENTY HOURS STRAIGHT. Yeah... I had a migraine... But Megan forced me to go out with her tonight. We went to Chili's and then the Midnight Oil Coffeehouse in Searcy. When we arrived, there was a live show going on. The musician? Matthew Huff.. He's not only a fantastic singer/guitarist/songwriter, but he's pretty darn cute too. This guy we met while there kept trying to get me to go talk to him, since he and Matthew are friends, but I'm way too shy for that mess... It's a curse.... Ohh well. One day I'll be able to talk to guys... Maybe.. Doubt it... But whatever. I guess when the time is right, either I'll have the confidence to approach the man who's "the one", or he'll approach me and I won't totally blow it. I'm just being patient and waiting on that day to come.


Anyway... I think I need a vacation. One of the dads at daycare came to get his kid and when he saw me, he said "You look like you need a vacation!" I think he may be right... Considering how tired/stressed/frustrated I've been, which is probably the biggest reason for all my migraines lately... Speaking of stress... Yesterday, my Papa got to see me get REALLY angry. I was driving with him and this guy just pulled out right in front of me. I had to slam on my brakes so hard that my Anti-Lock kicked in. I literally punched the horn. I was so mad, I was shaking. All Papa said was "That guy didn't even look!". He said nothing about the fact that his sweet little granddaughter just punched a steering wheel (and didn't even flinch). Oh, it was bad. But I got over it and had a good day. I'm just saying though, if you make me mad enough that I honk at you, you've made me pretty mad. That was only the second time I've used my horn (in an angry manner).

Okay, well, I should probably get ready for bed, even though I'm not tired... I know I need to sleep, or I'll be exhausted tomorrow... Before I go, though, I shall leave you with the link to Matthew Huff's website. He's REALLY good, so you should check him out! He can be found on Facebook and Twitter too!


www.matthewhuffmusic.com


Goodnight and God bless!!

Holy smokes, Batman!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted... Well, I didn't have internet, so I can't really be blamed for that, can I? Okay, so I'll dive right in... Boys. Are. Stressful. I've been on one (basically) blind date... Bad idea. After ONE WEEK he was trying to meet my family and tell me he could be a "batter lover"... Did I mention he was kinda, umm, slow? Yeah.. Then a boy told me he loves me... Like, he's in love with me.. I replied "No you're not..." which confused him, but only for a bit... then I met a random boy in WalMart... Luckily, he hasn't been creepy. Then an ELEVEN YEAR OLD boy at work got in trouble from his daddy for intentionally getting a little too close to my chest area... Which he does frequently... So apparently, that isn't on accident. This is the same kid that said I have a "big butt"... I mean, good Lord, all I attract are creepers, perverts, and people way younger than me. Can I get a normal guy please? I guess God is just bombarding me with weirdos so that when I meet the right guy, he'll seem that much more amazing... It's gonna be great.. Can I request a country boy though? I love me some country boys... Dierks Bentley is my current love... haha.


Anyway, for those of you who haven't heard, I got a full ride plus $250 a semester for ASU Beebe for four years.. I think I'm going to major in Spanish, but I have no clue what to minor in! I don't know what I want to do, or even what I'm good at.. I just know I want to major in Spanish. Which means I really need to start working on my Spanish again... I've forgotten some. I'm excited though. I'm pretty proud of myself; I've had a year off, and I'm still pretty good.


So, we have officially moved in. Everything is unpacked and all. It's really nice out here, although I will say it was nicer back when I lived here alone... haha. I enjoy solitude, I suppose. It was nice to be able to be a total   dummy and know that no one would walk in on me... I could blare my music, dance around, and just generally act like myself without having to be quiet or worry about being a disturbance... I don't know what I'm going to do once I get married and don't even have my own room anymore! I guess I'll just have to marry a guy that likes me to be weird! Maybe one of those exists... somewhere...


Well, it's getting late, and I still have plenty to do tonight, so I'm going to sign off for now! Perhaps I'll be back soon (not that anyone really reads this... ha!). Love you all! Goodnight and God bless!

Blessed...

So, today, the power at my house went out. I was so frustrated. I had to shower (and shave my legs, which is scary enough with lights on... using sharp objects in the dark is mortifying!) with nothing but candles for lights. Then when I got out, I realized I couldn't get online, dry my hair, open the garage door to leave (I had to raise it manually), cook food, or even see to put on makeup. I was so frustrated. I legitimately thought to myself "This must be what it's like to live in a 3rd world country." Then I mentally slapped myself. That was the stupidest, most selfish, idiotic thing I could ever have even thought. I am ashamed to know that I thought that way. Because, although it did stink that my power was out, I had hot, clean water with which to shower, clean clothes to wear, a house to live in, a car to drive, money in my purse, the ability to drive to McDonald's to get food, a job to be headed to, a radio to listen to gospel music, the ability to learn about God without fear of imprisonment or death... The list goes on and on and on. I am blessed. We all are. Yet we sit here and whine about little things that don't even matter. Therefore, I'm going to start praying (though I'm pretty sure I already know the answer) about sponsoring a child through Holt International. I've wanted to for a while now, but my mom talked me out of it. However, it's only $30 a month. If I have to cut back on fast food or Dr Pepper, so be it. I'm sure my body will thank me for it anyway. I'm sorry I got preachy, but I see flaws in myself that I need to fix, and by posting them on here, I bring it from the back of my mind to the very front. So that's my preaching for tonight.


Anyway, I think I may have a small problem... I don't get hungry anymore... Well, I do, but I don't eat hardly anything and I'm full. Tonight I had a small piece of chicken for my dinner. That's it. I had a halfway normal lunch, but it's gotten to the point that I eat one to one and a half meals a day.. I haven't lost too much weight though, so I guess it's okay for now. I don't know if I'm getting depressed, or what, but I really don't want to deal with it right now. I have too much going on. Which reminds me, my schedule at work is changing... I was working 10-6, but as of March 28, I will be working 6:30-9:30, then 3-6... At least I'll have time to squeeze in a nap between loads of laundry before I have to go back in to work... Lord, have mercy. Plus, on Spring Break, I'll be pulling a full time shift. Yay. Then there's church stuff... And Torie now has it in her head that she needs to make me feel beautiful and worthy of love... So that's gonna be fun... and by fun, I mean that every time anyone tries that, I ultimately feel worse than I did to begin with. I walk away exceptionally aware of how single, unloved, and unattractive I feel.. And I can't tell people that, because no one will just listen. Everyone wants to "fix it". No one has figured out you can't "fix it". I just want to be able to tell someone how I feel. But I know that won't happen. I can't even put it all on here for fear that someone, somewhere is reading this. I need God. I'll stop whining now...


Goodnight, and may God continue to bless you..

Goooood moooorrrrningggg!

Apparently, if one has a migraine and falls asleep at 7, one will wake up at 5, still dressed from the day before wondering why she is even awake. I discovered that this morning. However, the migraine was gone and I now have plenty of time to take a loooong (like 30 whole minutes!) shower and even do some laundry before work! I just have this sensation that today will be a pleasant one (I gotta feelin', ooh, that tonight's gonna be a good night). I don't know why, since Seth isn't too happy with me... But, honestly, if he's gonna act like he has been, then I can't really care. So what that I have a new friend who's a cute guy? That's my choice. Chris (my new friend) is really nice to me. And he's also a VERY talented pianist/singer. Anyway, random thought! I got three temporary tattoos yesterday... One is a glow in the dark really cute teddy bear holding a chainsaw with blood on it (on my side), one is a gold rose (on my wrist), and one is a rose/bird design that says "love forever" (on my hip)... I know, I'm weird... This morning I also got a really strong desire to bake a cake... I'll have to see if my my momma wants me to make Bo's birthday cake. I could have some real fun with a rockstar cake for Bo! I'm just so full of random thoughts this morning... Jeez, if this is what I'm like when I get a full night's sleep, then I need to go back to not sleeping! I'm so hungry... I didn't eat last night, so all I ate yesterday was ONE PLATE at the Chinese buffet with a few bites of ice cream for dinner.. I really think I'm losing weight from being sick and having migraines all the time. Ha! While everyone else diets and works out to get ready for Spring Break, I just "magically" lose weight... It's great! I just wish I weren't single... I know I'm being stupid and selfish, but I just kinda want someone to first of all care when I'm sick, and secondly, maybe even take care of me a bit! But I know that won't happen... At least if I were dating, I would have someone to take care of... Oh well, in due time... I know how it works. Oh! So, yesterday at work, this kid told me I could be a rockstar. I asked him why he said that, since he's notorious for lying (every day he tells me I'm hot/cute/pretty and crap like that). He said "Because you have a pretty voice, Ms. Caitlin." He's like 11, so obviously I don't trust his musical opinion, but it was still funny. Anyway, I love you guys, but I'm gonna start getting ready... Love you all so much! God bless you, and have a really great day!



"My life is not my own, to You I belong, I give myself, I give myself to You. I give myself away, I give myself away so You can use me." --Israel Houghton

"Calling everybody, step in the lights and show a little love if you feel alright!"

KINGSDOWN ROCKS!! That's just in case you didn't already know that. I saw them tonight, and they're awesome!! Today was just a good day... after several days of migraines/sickness, today I didn't have one, plus the kids at work were pretty good, and I got to see Kingsdown! Taught some younger kiddos how to headbang/air guitar... Got them going hardcore with me! It was SO much fun! But now comes the work and general busyness... But it's okay... I'll live. Tomorrow, I have to be at the church at 8 to help set up for the Bible Bee Chili Cook Off and later for Elevation Renovations (yeah, I just made that name up...). Then MAYBE go see Kingsdown at the Rev Room... Except they don't go on until like 10-10:30ish... And it's daylight saving time tomorrow night... And Sunday is, well, a Sunday... But if all else fails, I'll invest in some 5 hour energy.. But anyway, I REALLY need a shower... Soooo badly. I'm gonna go take a quick one, and then hit the hay... I love you guys a whole, whole lot! I really do!! Have a good night, and may God bless you with all the blessings He has for you!

Slammed. Stressed. Overworked. Unappreciated. Unloved. Lonely. These are all really good ways of describing how I've felt these past few days... I know at least 80% of it is hormone related, but that means that 20% is my legitimate feeling. That SUCKS. I write it off as just hormones, but I know it's not... I don't know if I have high expectations for how I should be treated, or what, but I just feel really unimportant. I don't need to be the center of attention, but when I'm at a volunteer dinner with a TON of people I work with EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY and only a few people talk to me and only Isaac P. (a KID) is actually excited to see me, I just feel like no one even notices me. It's like the only time I'm noticed is when I'm needed. I guess it's good that people "need" me, but I also know that I'm replaceable. Easily. I don't even do that much. Realistically, I don't do anything. It looks like I do, but I really don't do anything important. I don't make a difference in anything at all. It just sucks knowing I'm not really important or needed... heck, half the time I don't even feel wanted. Maybe it really is just the hormones talking and I need to stop whining and just be grateful for what I have... I'll try that. I'm sorry for being whiny. Anyway, I love you all (all none of you that read this...). Goodnight and God bless!

"Slight figure of speech, I cut my chest wide open..." :)

So... I'm going to go see The Avett Brothers in April!! Unfortunately, I'll be going alone. At first, it was going to be Michael, Seth H., Ethan, Megan, Seth J., and me. Then Seth J. got a job that would prevent him from going. Then Meg found out that it wouldn't even start until 9, so she can't go. Then I found out that Seth and Ethan can't go, and I guess Michael can't either... Even if he can, that could be awkward... So, I'm alone, but I get to see them! I love The Avett Brothers. They make me smile! I'm just really super excited! The only downside, other than being alone (which, really, is becoming quite normal for me), is that I'll be up super late, and it's on a Saturday... I'm just going to have to buy some 5 hour energy shots to keep on hand Sunday at church. Haha, that would be great. And I'm old enough to buy them at Wal-Mart. So, at least that would be easy. Anyway, I have work in a little while, so I should probably go get ready. Love you guys! God bless!

Dear Abby... thank you.

I've been slightly... upset... today and yesterday about a certain boy who most likely doesn't even want to date me right now.. But I was talking to my friend Abby, and she said he needs me. I was caught a little off guard and asked her why HE needs ME... Her response? "Because you're YOU. You're a beautiful, headstrong, outspoken, and multifaceted woman who breathes fire and ice. Any man would be lucky to even stand in your presence." Oh my gosh. I was not expecting that response. But she is one of those people that won't lie to me, and hasn't known me long enough to be afraid to hurt me, but has known me long enough to know who I am. So I pretty much believe her about most things. That, and most of that was just true. I would never call myself beautiful or say any man would be lucky to be in my presence, but the rest of it I would say about myself... I never thought they were good qualities, but they were qualities I knew I possessed... So now I just sit back and wait... That boy can either decide he wants me enough to pursue me, or he can decide he's not interested. Either way, I know I will be okay.

On a slightly different note, I have decided to watch all the sermons in the GFC/NLC archives... I watched 4 this morning. I also listened to a ton of music (like Desert Song by Hillsong... it rocks my world). I also decided to take up meditating... I need to learn to sit down, shut up, and listen to God. I'm like the little kid running around chanting "Daddy, daddy, daddy!!" at the top of my lungs while God is saying "Caitlin, if you'll just sit down and be quiet, I'll give you the things I have for you." But I'm that frustrating child who just won't be still and quiet. I have to learn to control my "ADD" so that I can receive the things God has for me. I know this, and I accept this as true, and I am now working to better myself in this area. I'm excited about where my life is going to go. I also decided I need to live on purpose. I don't know my calling, and I don't know God's plan for me, but I can still live on purpose. I'm ready and willing. "If You can use anything, Lord, You can use me..."

Anyway, I have to take my car in to the body shop pretty early tomorrow, so I'm going to get ready for bed. I love you all, and I'm praying for you! Goodnight, and God bless.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is.... going to be good. It better be. I will (FINALLY) be able to drink Dr Pepper again!! Also, I'll be 19... And birthdays at work mean cookie cake!! Also, I have to start baking a cake... Sometime this weekend, I'm going out to eat with my family... I have no clue where. I'm supposed to pick... but I suck at that... Sunday I have to talk to Seth... Here's the dealio... My parents decided I am allowed to date him, so I talked to his parents and they're cool with it too. They just want me to wait until he's recovered from having his wisdom teeth removed (that's on Thursday). I just hope he still likes me. From the way he's been talking, I don't think he does... which breaks my heart. Oh well. Better my heart than his, I suppose. That is what I asked God for.


Anyway, new stuff I want for my birthday:

CDs or tees from the following (however, I'm picky about tees...):

• The White Stripes
• The Black Keys
• The Raconteurs
• The Fratellis
• Cold War Kids
• Modest Mouse
• Queens Of The Stone Age

Or any other alternative rock stuff I've been listening to here lately... it makes me happy. Which is pretty cool, since not much can make me happy recently. Music touches my soul in a way that nothing else can. Except maybe love. But since I ain't feelin' much of that lately.... so I turn to music. And prayer... obviously.


I miss Seth. He says he still wants to be my friend, but he doesn't. He avoids me, doesn't respond to texts, and rarely speaks to me unless he has to. That boy has to hate me... I'm sure of it. I just wish he didn't... Oh well... If it were meant to be, it would work... So I guess it's not... Which is for the better, I'm sure. He deserves someone much nicer than I am... I just wish he would at least be my friend. We went from talking all day, every day, to almost never speaking. This just sucks. But I'll stop whining now.


I do believe I need a long, hot shower to wash the stress off... Therefore, goodnight and God bless you guys. If you think about it, pray for me. I'm really past my breaking point. I don't know how I'm holding up. The only explanation I can come up with is that God is holding me together. Oh well... Later, y'all.

"Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side..."

Okay, I will make this short and sweet. Within the past two days I have:

-had a garage door break... at my uncle's house... while I was housesitting.
-had to sit through a five hour workshop... it was boring.
-had to sit through said workshop and only eat a few mini muffins and a few pieces of celery... until 8 PM.
-had to clean up dog pee off of the bed I'm sleeping in.
-had a guy hit on me... and then had my dad threaten to take his little booty down! (I'll get to that story in a second.)


Good things in the past two days:

-found a king sized Hershey bar in my backseat... no, it's not old. I just forgot I had it.
-been brought a mocha frappuccino by my awesome little sister.
-went to a concert... Dash Rip Rock and Cowboy Mouth at the Rev Room... good stuff!
-had a bit of (possibly) good news from the 'rents... (y'all have to wait to find that one out... just in case).


Alright, STORY TIME!! Gather round everyone, it's time for the good story. Whilst at the Rev Room, rocking out to Cowboy Mouth, this guy walked up and asked me my name. I told him mine, he told me his, and shook my hand. He was not cute and very weird, but I didn't think anything of it... until the lead singer started pulling people from the second level down to the floor. He pulled me down, and creepy guy (I don't remember his name) followed me. I blew it off as him just wanting to be on the floor or something.Until I stepped up onto this little raised area on the floor level. He followed me up there! And there wasn't enough room for him! I was getting pretty creeped out (and squished), so I pushed my way back up to the second level to stand by my daddy. Well, wouldn't you know it, Mr. Creepy McStalkerpants was soon right back up there trying to stand by me. When I inched closer to my daddy, Creepster looked at my dad and said "What's your name?" My daddy grabbed me and moved me in between Seth J and himself and told the creep (in... slightly different words) "Back off.. that's my daughter. I will take you down." I didn't see that dude for the rest of the night. It was cool. My dad is a rockstar. I was about ready to tell that guy off myself. Or punch him in the face... one of the two. It was fun.


Also, just about any workshop with handouts, which include quizzes/activities that WON'T be taken up, can become fun. Just be sarcastic and rude (or just be yourself, as it is in my case), and you will come up with some great stuff. Also, be sure to play with the mini beach ball you may win as a door prize... during the lessons. I had fun with this type of stuff.. I'm such a trouble maker. But hey, when the boss is bored, you can get away with anything... Good stuff. Well, since I got all of 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I have to be at church at 7 tomorrow morning, I'm going to turn in for the night... Goodnight, y'all. God bless!

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all...

Fair warning: the following post is very likely to be very whiny. You have been warned. I am no longer responsible for anything that happens to you while reading this.

Okay, so I had the wreck. That's okay, I'm fine now. However, my neck has been very sore ever since. If you know me at all, you know that I refuse to go to the doctor unless there is a VERY good chance that I'm dying, and even then it's a fight to get me there. But that's okay, because it's just a little stiff. Then there's all my emotional drama... which is okay, because I'm pretty good at dealing with this kind of stuff. And then there's work. Oh my word. This job will be the death of me, I'm sure. And it's really only one kid... He has now flipped me off, thrown blocks at other children and me, hit other children, kicked everyone, thrown things at parents of other children, cursed everyone out (he called me a f***ing b****!!), knocked over shelves, attempted to choke other kids, and yesterday he finally did something so bad that now we're trying to expel him (which is really hard, since he's bipolar)... What did he do that had my boss absolutely furious? He punched me in the face. Really, really hard. Right under my right eye is actually a little swollen. He said he was going to knock me out, and he actually tried to. So he's suspended until Thursday. His little outbursts like this are getting more frequent and far more violent. I can't handle this anymore. Hopefully I won't have to.



Alright, I'm done whining now. I would just like to say that the Communion/Commissioning service at church Sunday night was AMAZING. I needed that more than anyone could have ever known. It truly was a gift from God. We need more services like that. No preaching, just worship and prayer. That's what my soul needs. Yes, preaching is a vital part of ministry, but I long for just worship and prayer. That's when I feel most ministered to. Just a thought though. I don't run things, so I can't decide what we should do.


Anyway, I'm going to go be a "good kid" and clean house a bit before I have to go to work. I love you all very much!! God bless you and your families!

Crash...

Yesterday was just NOT my day. I worked from 6:30 until about 5 (they let me off a little early!!), and while on my lunch break, I was involved in an accident. Luckily it was not my fault and no one was hurt, but it still sucked. I was really shaken up and very, very nervous. I've never wrecked before, so I didn't know what to do. It was okay though. It happened right past the Cabot Police Department, so they were there before I even thought about calling. I never had to talk to the other driver, even to get his information; the police handled everything and made it so much easier. 

Anyway, enough about that... I just registered for Walk MS! I'm on Dusty H.'s team, so that should be super fun! If you want to sign up, or contribute to my fundraising efforts, let me know, and I shall hook you up with the proper links. I'm pretty excited about it!

Okay, so I'm excited about the Jason Aldean concert Friday night... Markus, Megan, Seth, and I are all going (is it sad that I alphabetized their names?). It's going to be so much fun! Then the 28th is Cowboy Mouth at the Rev Room, which is going to ROCK. 

Quick quote from a song: "Love is when you want a kiss and you get bit" --She's A Genius by Jet. Couldn't agree more, due to my current situation. This sucks. I miss my friend. I want to talk to Seth, but I can't. Not after what happened. Not yet, anyway. I still feel like he hates me. I'll see something, or do something, or think of something and I want to text him to tell him, but I can't. For example, when I wrecked yesterday, he was the first person I wanted to text after I called my parents. Instead, I just didn't text anyone until several hours later. I miss having him there to talk to. I miss my best friend. Of course, I also still love him, no matter how he feels about me... which sucks, quite frankly. Oh well... that's just how my life works; I tell myself not to do something, do it anyway, then get my heart broken. I'm kind of getting used to it. At least God answered my prayer... I asked that if anything did happen between Seth and I, that it be due to a change in his heart and not mine, because I would much rather have to handle the heartbreak myself than inflict that sort of pain onto Seth. I'm like an emotional cutter. Ah, well... pain fades eventually... Someday I shall find lasting love. Stephanie told me God is just holding on to my one true love for me... Well, if He let go, that would be fine with me... haha. I know I've still got a while to go, and that's okay. More time for me to work on me, I guess. 

Alright, I think that's enough whining for now. Love you guys. God bless you all!

In light of how stinky my past few days have been, I thought I should try something new: make a (short) list of the things I like about myself or have accepted as truths.

1. I will never be rail thin... and that's okay.

2. Even if boys don't always like me, I'm still an okay person.

3. I'm capable of being alone.

4. I always rise to meet a challenge.

5. I will go out of my way to help someone.

6. There are very few things on this earth that truly scare me.

7. I handle pain, both physical and emotional, very well.

8. I have (almost) endless amounts of energy that I very gladly channel into work and church.

9. I can fake energy when I don't have it... happiness too.

10. I truly love serving others.

11. I will never be a "girly girl"... I will always be a tomboy, and that's okay.

12. I'm not afraid to say what I think, but don't just go around saying anything that pops into my head.

13. I truly care for other people... sometimes to a fault.

14. I will always fight for what I feel is right.

15. I am learning to love myself, even when I'm not too loveable (which can be pretty often).



Okay, that's all I can think of for now... but that's a lot for me. Usually, getting me to compliment myself is like organizing a tea party for Bigfoot, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a herd of unicorns. It's even harder than getting me to truly accept a compliment. But anyway, I just needed to do that, so that when I feel useless, unloved, unworthy, and just generally depressed later, I can come back and read this. I love you all, and please don't worry about me. I'm okay... even if I'm not, I will be soon. God bless.

Yes, I'm being slightly dramatic, but I heard this song and it fits my mood...

Goodbye To Love-- The Carpenters

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made up my mind
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for

All the years of useless search have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty day will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I may see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love



Now, I know this is dramatic, but for some reason, just typing these lyrics up made me feel a little better... it's such a cheerfully depressing song... I know Seth is right in what he did, but that doesn't make it hurt less. I know that I've got plenty of time to find a man, but that doesn't take the pain away. I know I've got people here that love me and are here for me, but I'm still upset. So I guess it's just going to take time. And prayer. Lots of prayer. All I know is that it's my own fault that I allowed myself to be vulnerable. However, I know that eventually I will need to be vulnerable and it will be very hard for me. Harder than it was before... and before, it was like being an unarmed one woman army fighting the Romans AND the Spartans in an uphill battle. Oh well... It doesn't matter anyway... Goodnight guys...

Snow day!!

Tomorrow is officially a snow day for Cabot School District... which means it *should* be a snow day for Cabot Patch Kids!! I'm pretty excited! However, this means Stephanie's party, which was scheduled for tonight, has been postponed. The new date is TBA though. Seth's party was yesterday.. It was a blast! I made the cake, and it turned out okay, I suppose. I'm a perfectionist though, so nothing is ever good enough. But Jarrett H. said he may have to get me to make the cake for his three boys' joint birthday party, so apparently the cake was good enough to score more customers, based solely on appearance. It tasted pretty good, but I stole the recipes from Emily, so that's no surprise. I'm just glad everyone liked it. Seth even genuinely smiled when he saw it, which is AMAZING, since that boy never smiles because of gifts. I guess it's because the gift was food...

Anyway, I've been "working out" with Just Dance 2 for Wii and it is very effective. I have lost weight and visible inches, and I've gained muscle. Now I want Just Dance (the original) and Zumba. That would be so awesome!

Oh, I almost forgot! Boys! Yeah, so obviously there's Seth that likes me (well, I say he does... I wonder about that now)... Then I found out another boy, I'll call him "A", likes me too... That's okay though, since I rarely see him... THEN I found out ANOTHER boy, "E", likes me too! And I see him all the time! But he knows I don't like him, so it's okay... THEN I went out to eat all by myself and my waiter starts hitting on me! So I gave him my number (don't ask why, because I do NOT know).. But I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship, so he's okay... However, we met for coffee and, while having coffee, ANOTHER guy gave me HIS number! That's FIVE guys! Count 'em if you don't believe me! I have never had boys show interest in me until now! And now they're all crawling out of the woodwork at once! What on earth happened? What changed? Why now? Why is it that when I'm entirely not ready for a relationship, all these boys come knocking? Sometimes I wonder what God is doing... Then I remember that it's God, and He does all sorts of strange stuff... Still though...

No matter what, I have complete confidence that 2011 is going to be a rocking year! I have goals set, but not resolutions (who even keeps up with those for more than a month or two?)... For example, I'm going to knit as much as I can so that, come next winter, I'll have a TON of scarves and stuff to donate to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, etc. I'm excited, and I already have a lot of yarn! And Ms. Bobbie bought most of it, so I have to use it or I'll feel like I'm letting her down... She said that, since carpal tunnel prevents her from actually knitting, her contribution to my goal is to help provide yarn. Which is pretty stinkin' helpful, if you ask me!

Anyway, I've got some knitting to do, so I shall bid you all farewell for now! God bless!


*Edit: Apparently, Seth no longer likes me... And "E" only halfway does, if that even makes sense... So yeah... That's all I'm going to say about that, or I just might lose my cool, calm, collected demeanor... again.