Saturday, February 26, 2011

Slammed. Stressed. Overworked. Unappreciated. Unloved. Lonely. These are all really good ways of describing how I've felt these past few days... I know at least 80% of it is hormone related, but that means that 20% is my legitimate feeling. That SUCKS. I write it off as just hormones, but I know it's not... I don't know if I have high expectations for how I should be treated, or what, but I just feel really unimportant. I don't need to be the center of attention, but when I'm at a volunteer dinner with a TON of people I work with EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY and only a few people talk to me and only Isaac P. (a KID) is actually excited to see me, I just feel like no one even notices me. It's like the only time I'm noticed is when I'm needed. I guess it's good that people "need" me, but I also know that I'm replaceable. Easily. I don't even do that much. Realistically, I don't do anything. It looks like I do, but I really don't do anything important. I don't make a difference in anything at all. It just sucks knowing I'm not really important or needed... heck, half the time I don't even feel wanted. Maybe it really is just the hormones talking and I need to stop whining and just be grateful for what I have... I'll try that. I'm sorry for being whiny. Anyway, I love you all (all none of you that read this...). Goodnight and God bless!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"Slight figure of speech, I cut my chest wide open..." :)

So... I'm going to go see The Avett Brothers in April!! Unfortunately, I'll be going alone. At first, it was going to be Michael, Seth H., Ethan, Megan, Seth J., and me. Then Seth J. got a job that would prevent him from going. Then Meg found out that it wouldn't even start until 9, so she can't go. Then I found out that Seth and Ethan can't go, and I guess Michael can't either... Even if he can, that could be awkward... So, I'm alone, but I get to see them! I love The Avett Brothers. They make me smile! I'm just really super excited! The only downside, other than being alone (which, really, is becoming quite normal for me), is that I'll be up super late, and it's on a Saturday... I'm just going to have to buy some 5 hour energy shots to keep on hand Sunday at church. Haha, that would be great. And I'm old enough to buy them at Wal-Mart. So, at least that would be easy. Anyway, I have work in a little while, so I should probably go get ready. Love you guys! God bless!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Dear Abby... thank you.

I've been slightly... upset... today and yesterday about a certain boy who most likely doesn't even want to date me right now.. But I was talking to my friend Abby, and she said he needs me. I was caught a little off guard and asked her why HE needs ME... Her response? "Because you're YOU. You're a beautiful, headstrong, outspoken, and multifaceted woman who breathes fire and ice. Any man would be lucky to even stand in your presence." Oh my gosh. I was not expecting that response. But she is one of those people that won't lie to me, and hasn't known me long enough to be afraid to hurt me, but has known me long enough to know who I am. So I pretty much believe her about most things. That, and most of that was just true. I would never call myself beautiful or say any man would be lucky to be in my presence, but the rest of it I would say about myself... I never thought they were good qualities, but they were qualities I knew I possessed... So now I just sit back and wait... That boy can either decide he wants me enough to pursue me, or he can decide he's not interested. Either way, I know I will be okay.

On a slightly different note, I have decided to watch all the sermons in the GFC/NLC archives... I watched 4 this morning. I also listened to a ton of music (like Desert Song by Hillsong... it rocks my world). I also decided to take up meditating... I need to learn to sit down, shut up, and listen to God. I'm like the little kid running around chanting "Daddy, daddy, daddy!!" at the top of my lungs while God is saying "Caitlin, if you'll just sit down and be quiet, I'll give you the things I have for you." But I'm that frustrating child who just won't be still and quiet. I have to learn to control my "ADD" so that I can receive the things God has for me. I know this, and I accept this as true, and I am now working to better myself in this area. I'm excited about where my life is going to go. I also decided I need to live on purpose. I don't know my calling, and I don't know God's plan for me, but I can still live on purpose. I'm ready and willing. "If You can use anything, Lord, You can use me..."

Anyway, I have to take my car in to the body shop pretty early tomorrow, so I'm going to get ready for bed. I love you all, and I'm praying for you! Goodnight, and God bless.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Tomorrow is.... going to be good. It better be. I will (FINALLY) be able to drink Dr Pepper again!! Also, I'll be 19... And birthdays at work mean cookie cake!! Also, I have to start baking a cake... Sometime this weekend, I'm going out to eat with my family... I have no clue where. I'm supposed to pick... but I suck at that... Sunday I have to talk to Seth... Here's the dealio... My parents decided I am allowed to date him, so I talked to his parents and they're cool with it too. They just want me to wait until he's recovered from having his wisdom teeth removed (that's on Thursday). I just hope he still likes me. From the way he's been talking, I don't think he does... which breaks my heart. Oh well. Better my heart than his, I suppose. That is what I asked God for.

Anyway, new stuff I want for my birthday:

CDs or tees from the following (however, I'm picky about tees...):

  • The White Stripes
  • The Black Keys
  • The Raconteurs
  • The Fratellis
  • Cold War Kids
  • Modest Mouse
  • Queens Of The Stone Age
Or any other alternative rock stuff I've been listening to here lately... it makes me happy. Which is pretty cool, since not much can make me happy recently. Music touches my soul in a way that nothing else can. Except maybe love. But since I ain't feelin' much of that lately.... so I turn to music. And prayer... obviously.

I miss Seth. He says he still wants to be my friend, but he doesn't. He avoids me, doesn't respond to texts, and rarely speaks to me unless he has to. That boy has to hate me... I'm sure of it. I just wish he didn't... Oh well... If it were meant to be, it would work... So I guess it's not... Which is for the better, I'm sure. He deserves someone much nicer than I am... I just wish he would at least be my friend. We went from talking all day, every day, to almost never speaking. This just sucks. But I'll stop whining now.

I do believe I need a long, hot shower to wash the stress off... Therefore, goodnight and God bless you guys. If you think about it, pray for me. I'm really past my breaking point. I don't know how I'm holding up. The only explanation I can come up with is that God is holding me together. Oh well... Later, y'all.