Monday, July 26, 2010

In the name of love, once more in the name of love...

Originally done by U2, "Pride (In The Name Of Love)" was redone by Dierks Bentley on his new album, Up On The Ridge, which is by far one of my favorites... Ever. That's what the lyrics in the title are from, in case you didn't know and were wondering. Also on the album is "Fallin' For You". I adore it.. Actually, I love all these songs. And I love that I can hit some of the bass notes on these songs... It's legit.

But enough about my bluegrass/country music... Yesterday, I spent the entire day with Rachel (Hi, Rach!)... I'm not sure if Zack (my ex, her current boyfriend) was upset or not... Do I really care? No. Absolutely not. But whatever. I had a blast with her though. So much better than my "me date" I took on Friday... I realized that I just need more friends to hang out with, and I'll be fine. At least, I hope I'll be fine. Being with her made me realize just how lonely I've been... Maybe that's good, but I've always clung tightly to the belief that, if you ignore problems/emotions, they'll either go away on their own, or by the time they come back to the surface, you'll be better equipped to handle them. At least, that's what I'm hoping for... Like loneliness: If you don't pay attention to it, you don't get depressed/upset. You will not think to be upset about being alone if you just think you're fine alone. But that's a very stupid philosophy, and I know it from experience. However, that's a fact I tend to ignore. I know it's silly, but I'm tired of hurting... Being hurt, and hurting others. It makes me sick when I hurt others. And as far as being hurt goes, I think I've had my fair share. I mean, apparently not, since it's just going to continue, but I really don't feel like I'm capable of taking on anymore heartache, hurts, pains, etc. I guess I'll just have to get stronger between now and my next relationship/friendship... Especially relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I love too much, too soon. I trust that person with everything I am. And then they let me down. Right when I'm at my most vulnerable place, I get hurt. That's why I have relationship issues, I guess. I can't have a good relationship, because I can't seem to get into a healthy relationship. Maybe I never will, or at least not until I truly love myself AND accept myself. And that's something I've been working on for a while now. But I guess I have no other choice. It's either that or I shall be alone/in a bad relationship for the rest of my life. "Bad angel, get off my shoulder. Bad angel, let me be. I'm standing at the crossroads of temptation and salvation street...". Is it totally pathetic that one of my biggest temptations is to hate myself? Because it really is... And I know that's all spiritual warfare, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to defeat this. I feel like I showed up to a gunfight with nothing but a switchblade knife. God really likes to challenge me, I'm sure of that. Maybe it's going to work out in the end, and I'll be a better person because of it...That's what I'll tell myself for now, anyway. And what sucks the most is that I can't really talk to anyone about it. Steph is too busy/indifferent (it seems that way, even if it's not), Seth H. gets mad, Seth J. is too busy, Rach is busy/far away, and everyone else is busy or simply doesn't care. So I have to vent and get it all out via this blog. My apologies to all those who read this and are either annoyed, bored, or whatever by this whininess. I shall stop for now... I'm going to continue listening to Dierks Bentley and pray that this feeling passes. Love y'all, and God bless.


  1. It's not whiny, it's human! Even at my age, I have a tendency to want to "hate" myself! I totally agree with you that it's spiritual warfare. The devil loves nothing more than to see us down and depressed. I'm sorry about the friend stuff. I know how much it sucks when you feel ignored by certain people, especially when you do open your heart to a close friendship (or the hope of one). You start to think that there must be something wrong with you, otherwise, they would surely want to spend time with you! That happens to me a lot! I have a very sensitive heart, and take many things personally. I try not to wear my feelings on my sleeve, but it's hard not to sometimes! For what it's worth, my 14 year old daughter thinks you are very cool and has even said that she wishes she could be more like you sometimes (She reads your blog from time to time and will probably kill me for posting this!) And, girl, you just keep venting away on this blog....good to get stuff out rather than holding it in!!! By the way I LOVE LOVE LOVE Pride (In the Name of Love) in any form, but have not heard the country version. I will have to check it out! Have you heard the club version by Cliviles and Cole? I used to go to the club back in my "wild" days and that was one of my favs! Oh yeah, saw on that Josh Turner and his wife are now expecting baby # 3!!!! : )

    Love ya!

    Lisa P.

  2. 1. I am doing a numbering system because I feel like it.
    2. Of coure, he didn't care.
    3. We shall do it again soon.
    4. And again when I come home to visit.
    5. You are beautiful and amazing.
    6. I'm never TOO busy.
    7. You aren't whiny, you just say what everyone else is thinking.
    8. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Lisa, I need to talk to you and your beautiful daughter more often. :) Also, I'm very glad that Josh Turner is having his third child... That baby will be perfect, as his others are, I'm sure. lol. I'll just marry Dierks Bentley instead, haha.

    1. Ditto.
    2. Well, you never know.. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want one of my exes hanging out with anyone I was dating at the time. It would scare me. Haha.
    3. We better.
    4. Well yeah, or I'll be sad.
    5. YOU are beautiful and amazing and I LOVE YOU!
    6. Honey, you work aaaaallllll the time AND you live in Sherwood.
    7. I feel whiny, even if I'm not...
    8. I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Dierks Bentley (even though I know he doesn't read this...)-
    Will you marry me? ;D