Originally done by U2, "Pride (In The Name Of Love)" was redone by Dierks Bentley on his new album, Up On The Ridge, which is by far one of my favorites... Ever. That's what the lyrics in the title are from, in case you didn't know and were wondering. Also on the album is "Fallin' For You". I adore it.. Actually, I love all these songs. And I love that I can hit some of the bass notes on these songs... It's legit.
But enough about my bluegrass/country music... Yesterday, I spent the entire day with Rachel (Hi, Rach!)... I'm not sure if Zack (my ex, her current boyfriend) was upset or not... Do I really care? No. Absolutely not. But whatever. I had a blast with her though. So much better than my "me date" I took on Friday... I realized that I just need more friends to hang out with, and I'll be fine. At least, I hope I'll be fine. Being with her made me realize just how lonely I've been... Maybe that's good, but I've always clung tightly to the belief that, if you ignore problems/emotions, they'll either go away on their own, or by the time they come back to the surface, you'll be better equipped to handle them. At least, that's what I'm hoping for... Like loneliness: If you don't pay attention to it, you don't get depressed/upset. You will not think to be upset about being alone if you just think you're fine alone. But that's a very stupid philosophy, and I know it from experience. However, that's a fact I tend to ignore. I know it's silly, but I'm tired of hurting... Being hurt, and hurting others. It makes me sick when I hurt others. And as far as being hurt goes, I think I've had my fair share. I mean, apparently not, since it's just going to continue, but I really don't feel like I'm capable of taking on anymore heartache, hurts, pains, etc. I guess I'll just have to get stronger between now and my next relationship/friendship... Especially relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I love too much, too soon. I trust that person with everything I am. And then they let me down. Right when I'm at my most vulnerable place, I get hurt. That's why I have relationship issues, I guess. I can't have a good relationship, because I can't seem to get into a healthy relationship. Maybe I never will, or at least not until I truly love myself AND accept myself. And that's something I've been working on for a while now. But I guess I have no other choice. It's either that or I shall be alone/in a bad relationship for the rest of my life. "Bad angel, get off my shoulder. Bad angel, let me be. I'm standing at the crossroads of temptation and salvation street...". Is it totally pathetic that one of my biggest temptations is to hate myself? Because it really is... And I know that's all spiritual warfare, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to defeat this. I feel like I showed up to a gunfight with nothing but a switchblade knife. God really likes to challenge me, I'm sure of that. Maybe it's going to work out in the end, and I'll be a better person because of it...That's what I'll tell myself for now, anyway. And what sucks the most is that I can't really talk to anyone about it. Steph is too busy/indifferent (it seems that way, even if it's not), Seth H. gets mad, Seth J. is too busy, Rach is busy/far away, and everyone else is busy or simply doesn't care. So I have to vent and get it all out via this blog. My apologies to all those who read this and are either annoyed, bored, or whatever by this whininess. I shall stop for now... I'm going to continue listening to Dierks Bentley and pray that this feeling passes. Love y'all, and God bless.