Monday, August 2, 2010


Dear John and Stasi Eldridge,
I simply adore your book. I needed to read it. Thank you for being brave enough to write it, as I know that could not have been an easy task.

So, in case you couldn't tell, I read Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge... I started it Saturday night and finished it today. Sunday I was sick, so no reading. But, oh my goodness, if you haven't read this book yet, DO IT NOW!!!! It should be required reading for all women. This book has to be Heaven-sent, and that's not an exaggeration. I mean, I seriously believe it was commissioned by God Himself. It is that good. Yup. So go read it. If you've read it already, then you agree with me, right?

Ah, so back to life... Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I've been rather sick, and I still am, but now I have "feel-good pills", otherwise known as sinus decongestants (or something like that). Seriously though, every single time the Hicks family is out of town, I get sick... I vote they stop leaving me. But that may be just my own selfish desires... Haha, but anyway, I'm so stoked about these next few weeks... Wednesday is church, Thursday is date night with Meg, Friday is some sort of dinner/game night with some person from NLC, Saturday is Bible Quizzing (I think?), Sunday is church... Then the next weekend is BOOTCAMP!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. This is going to be great. Also, I ordered the EGR valve for my car! Now I need tires and an air conditioner and my car will be as good as new (pardon my cliché). I feel so grown-up now... I am spending my own money on medicine, car parts, food, et cetera (and yes, I wrote that all out just because I can...). Now I just need to head to college and move out and I'll be legit. Of course, that may take a while....

Anyway, on to more... gossip-y type mess. So tonight I made the mistake of saying my mom's taste in television shows was less than stellar. Apparently, that's code for "You are a stupid, idiotic failure and no one loves you." I was unaware that is what that translated to... But okay. So while my mom is sitting there lashing out, due to her injured feelings, all I could think was "Okay, so I can't say you don't watch good TV, but you can say anything you want about me? How is that fair?" Now, I know she's the mom, and therefore has a right to say certain things, but she and my dad both have a way of saying things that cut me to the core and make me feel... unappreciated, unloved, not special, not good enough, and just generally like a failure. I mean, I just finished Captivating, which basically says that all of that is not true, but it still hurts. Especially coming from my parents. For example, they told Megan they expect a 3.9 GPA when she graduates (FYI: that's pretty much impossible, even the school agrees). So when I asked why they would do that, when they said nothing about me graduating with something along the line of a 3.3, they responded "We just don't expect that much from you"... Well... Why not? Oh, and what was their reasoning for their desire for me to go to ASU Beebe and not UCA? They figure I'll just drop out and become a homemaker anyway, so why waste the money on a better, but more expensive, school? That crushed me to the core. That completely broke my heart. Did I tell them that? Absolutely not. That would not make anything better at all. In fact, it would only worsen the situation. I know that from previous experiences. If I say I was hurt by something someone said, I am accused of being weak, whiny, and various other things until I'm the one apologizing. So, in order to avoid that mess, I'm trying to forgive them without letting them know I'm even hurt. I mean, this is one of the reasons I spend more time with people like Emily, who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. She makes me feel like I could do anything in the world, while my parents expect me (and yes, they actually said this to my face) to drop out of college, settle for a less than stellar guy, marry him, have a kid or two, and just be a "homemaker". Now, honestly, I have absolutely nothing against homemakers. In fact, I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, once I have kids. But the negativity in their voices, the connotation that, by becoming that person, I would be a failure, broke my heart. And, as I'm sure you all know by now, I don't handle heartbreak very well. I trust my parents... But they don't have any faith in me at all. I just don't see how I'm going to be able to live up to God's plan for me, when my parents don't think I can even live up to their bare minimum. This is why I go outside of my family for my support group. I tell Emily just about everything. I tell my parents practically nothing. I know they hate it, but Emily listens and then tells me that I can, that I am good enough, smart enough, that I am blessed, loved, supported, believed in, wanted, needed, desired. She really is my best friend. I wouldn't trade her for the world. Now I know I can't rely on her for validation, that's God's job (read the book and you'll get it), but she does offer me the love and support I need in order to keep trying. Because, honestly, I want to be the strong, beautiful, captivating woman of God that I know I am inside... I just can't seem to let her out just yet. I am going to continue to work on it, but until I can make peace with my demons, I know that can't happen. And one of my biggest "demons" is my belief that anything negative spoken about me, especially by those people whom I love and respect, must be true, whereas positive statements should be analyzed, criticized, and cast out. It's a huge hindrance that I must overcome, and I shall. God made me an overcomer, I know that without a shadow of doubt. I just need to let myself be weak, so that I may be made strong in Him, that I might overcome this battle inside myself. But for now I must stop preaching so that I can go to sleep sometime tonight. I love you all dearly. Good night, and God bless.


  1. Man, Caitlin, that's some deep stuff! And yet another thing we have in common-parents who can be insensitive. My mom was and still is the exact same way. I know that she loves me with all of her heart (as I'm sure your parents do you), but gosh, she always knew how to make me feel less than. I don't think it was intentional on her part, that's just how she's "built", I guess! If I brought home a 98, why didn't I get a 100. If I made all A's, I barely got a "that's nice". I think that's part of the reason that maybe I traveled down the wild path for a while. My being a good kid didn't get me any praise or attention, so I went the other way. I never had an "Emily" in my life, so you are lucky for that! I think my mom probably never had people that made her feel good about herself and she just perpetuated the cycle. I have the worst self-esteem in the world to this day. I NEVER think I'm good enough, those childhood insecurities always rear their ugly head! This week has been a very tough one in that way. I've been feeling extremely unloved, even in my own home! Now, I know that's a spiritual attack, but I have not been able to overcome the ones that deal with my feelings about myself. I probably should re-read Captivating about 100 times! I catch myself from time to time being overly-critical with my kids and I get so mad at myself! I NEVER want them (especially Katie) to feel the way that I did growing up. I want them to feel secure and loved and know that they can always come to me and that I won't judge or belittle them. I'm really glad that you have Emily to go to. Just know that you have a "Lisa" that would listen anytime, too! Have a great week!

  2. Yeah, my parents are the same way about grades... I called my dad, crying, because I made a PERFECT score on the AP Spanish exam, which is almost impossible, and all he said was "Maybe you can channel this excitement towards raising your ACT score"... I made a 29 on my ACT. I thought I did pretty stinking good, but he totally brought me from cloud 9 back to the stinkhole we call "reality". I was so bummed, but I couldn't say anything, aside from "Yes sir, I'll see what I can do".

    As far as our battles with our wounds go, I am attempting to live out Captivating one step at a time. I wrote a TON of stuff on my full length mirror, so much so that I can hardly see my reflection, and it is all positive reinforcement. Currently (and yes, it changes), it says "The King is enthralled by your beauty", "I am powerful, lovely, sought after, desired, romanced, beautiful, captivating", "I am 'ezer kenegdo'", "Jesus, help me to allow you to romance me. I need you, and I need your help. Please help me to make myself vulnerable. Thank you! Love, Caitlin". I figure, even if I can't see it yet, if I just read that stuff every time I look at my mirror, it's going to get into my head eventually. Also, I've been trying to pray more, and read my Bible. However, in the past I only read in chronological order. Now I look for books/chapters that deal with things I need to hear. And of course I still read in chronological order, as well. It just doesn't get ALL of my Bible time. I also pray more, and I pray differently. Before, I prayed the way I was taught. Now, I talk to God the way I feel is best for me. Sometimes, I write him letters, because I can't always express myself adequately through words (this is why I blog, and I don't call people to talk, haha). Other times, I talk to him like he's just another one of my best friends. Other times, I talk to him the way I talk to my dad. And sometimes, I talk to him the way I was raised to. I think they all have their place in my personal prayer life...

    And as far as your kids go, I think every kid knows that no parent is perfect. Every mom is going to have a moment, day, week even, when she is a little harsh or on edge. I've learned that. It's just human nature. I don't expect my mom to be perfect. And from what I've seen of you, you seem to be a very chill, very awesome lady. Your daughter loves you a ton, and I'm pretty sure your sons do too (they just don't have a Facebook to post it on... haha). You have an awesome husband, and I really look up to you. You are a truly wonderful woman, and I love you. God does too. I think you rock, and the God of Heaven and Earth agrees. I know so. I understand the feeling that you are unloved, especially by family, unappreciated, taken for granted, replaceable, etc. But the truth is simple. You ARE loved, you ARE appreciated (and trust me, kids don't say it, but they think it), you are NOT taken for granted, you are NOT replaceable. There is no one like you, and there never will be. You are uniquely and wonderfully made. God made a spectacular woman when he made you. You are beautiful inside and out. I mean it with all my heart. I have been, and will continue, praying for you. I truly understand your feelings, as I tend to experience those same attacks, but I know that if you and I join together in prayer, we can best Satan and his demons. They will not control you any longer. I'm claiming that for you in Jesus' holy name. In the Bible it says that by His stripes, we are healed, and I believe that applies to wounds of the heart, mind, spirit, soul, and self-esteem as well. My Physician can heal all wounds, even the ones we are unaware of. I am claiming healing and freedom from the wounds of the past. If you ever need someone to pray with you, or just to chat with, I am so here for you. Love you! Have a blessed (rest of the) week!

  3. Girl, you know how to make me tear up! Such wise words from one so young! I would love to pray for you and would be honored if you would pray for me. You are such an awesome young lady and I feel very blessed to know you! Now the awesome husband thing?? Just kidding!! He can be very awesome, but he is a man, afterall! : ) Love u!