"My best days are ahead of me..."

Don't you just love music? I do. I also love whoever it was that invented the iheartradio app for Android phones. Because, with said app, I can listen to my music anytime, anywhere, with NO COMMERCIALS!!!!!!!!! I know, right?! It rocks! Thus, it is playing right now.


Anyway, today has been a good day... I didn't get a chance to work out though. I did get to experience how truly understanding my mom can be though... Why do I say that? Well, I walked into the kitchen about 30 minutes after dinner (which I cooked). When she asked me why, I answered honestly: I'm not hungry, but I'm craving sweets. She looked at me and said "There's some cookie dough in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator... Cut you off a slice and eat that." Heck yeah! It was yummy. I love junk food... That's going to be my downfall, I'm sure... Ohhh well.



So, just for my own sake, I'm going to do a run-through of my weekend... Friday- work 10-6, then Wal-Mart for knitting stuff, then church at 8 to help Mrs. Bobbie set up, then home and to bed. Saturday- Church at 7:30 for Bible Bee... no clue how long I'll be there, or what I'm doing afterward... I'm invited to a party... but I'm not sure I really want to go. I won't really know anybody... Sunday-Church... duh. So my weekend shouldn't be too terribly busy. At least not as bad as it could be. I'll actually have some downtime, which I'll probably use for knitting lessons or exercising. You know what? I love my life. I may not like my job, but aside from that, I love my life. It's pretty awesome. I can always find something to do... Even if it's just volunteering or helping someone out... I'll never run out of things to do. Oh, that reminds me... I need to clean my room sometime this weekend... And do my laundry. Urgh. I hate that part. But it must be done, or I shan't have any clothes to wear. Ah, me. Perhaps I should do that now... Nahh... Now is shower time... Right after I get all my thoughts out of my brain and into this post.



"Let's shake hands and reach across those parting lines. You've got your friends, just like I've got mine. We might think a little differently, but we got a lot in common, you will see. We're just like you... only prettier." -Only Prettier by Miranda Lambert.

Listening to that song makes me smile. It's so quirky... and half of it is very me. It's just a good song. So does Smile by Uncle Kracker. I freaking LOVE that song!! It makes me ever so happy. I think country music in general makes me a very happy girl. Ah, so I decided that this health kick thing I'm on is very good. It's making me feel pretty good about myself. I guess it's hard to feel bad about someone who's doing so much good in life. I've got a good job, I volunteer, I work out, I attempt to eat not as horribly as I used to, I try to help others whenever I get the chance, I pray more, I read my Bible more, and I just generally enjoy life more. I think it's kinda hard to hate that too much. I mean, there are still a TON of things I need to work on, but I'm definitely taking steps in the right direction. At least I'm taking steps now... Before, I was on the right track, I just wasn't going anywhere. "Even if you're on the right tracks, you'll get run over if you just sit there" -Will Rogers. I thought that was a pretty good way of looking at things.


So, anyhoo, I'm tired, it's getting late, and I need to shower. So I'm going to say goodnight to you all.... Love y'all! Good night and God bless!

Arrest these merry gentlemen!!!

Christmas musical, I'm ready for you!!! (FYI: The title to this post is the title of the Christmas musical...) I'm sooo excited!



Anyhoo, I think I may be turning into a good person... *pauses to allow everyone to gasp in awe* Why do I say that? Well, for one thing, I'm beginning to see myself doing favors for others for no reason at all... That's pretty cool. Like tonight, when Ms. Bobbie was freaking out because she had a ton to do at the church, but also needed to pick up her sons. So when I volunteered to go get the boys she just nodded, mouth gaping and eyes wide, as if to say "You're so great. I love you." Except she just meant "Thank you!". Still, though, it was great. And offering to buy Seth's dinner, then Ryan's... just so Ryan didn't have to spend money and so Seth didn't have to wait on his mom... I mean, neither of them let me, but still... I tried, so it counts, right? Haha, I do love doing stuff for others though... It's kind of cool. And then offering DJ rides... for life, pretty much. Although he didn't message me back... So I don't know if he got my offer... Still though... Anyway, I'm not trying to brag, I'm just making note of a change I see in myself, this time for the better. Now, if I can just keep up these positive changes... And being able to see them. I know I have good qualities, I just have to keep working on my ability to see them and accept them. That's the hard part for me. And I think this is one of those times when I'm going to have to start really trying hard... Especially if I want to keep changing myself. "Be the change you wish to see in the world".... I'm going to have to do that. "I'm starting with the [wo]man in the mirror"... Yup. That's one quote, one lyric snippet... I think I'm doing pretty good at this "stealing other people's thoughts and using them for my own good" thing...



Anyway, after today's workout and just general stress level, and the knowledge that I go in at 10 tomorrow, I'm getting a little tired... So I'm going to cut this post short. I love y'all, and will keep you all in my prayers. Good night, and God bless!

Wake up to Missouri...

If you know Mike and Emily, I'm sure you know that song. And you either love it, or despise it... Or you go back and forth. I go back and forth. But it was in my head when I woke up this morning, so I figured I should get it stuck in yours!



Anyway, Steph instructed me to go out of my way to have a good day today, so I am. I am currently blogging (duh), drinking coffee, and listening to the Christmas musical. I stinking love it. It was written by an FBI agent... He was only in the FBI to... wait for it... wait for it... supplement his writing career. Yeah, that's right, you heard it correctly. He worked for the FBI until his writing career took off. So, of course, he wrote a Christmas musical... based on the FBI. Yup. It sounds like it's going to be a good one. I'm so excited about it!!



Okay, so I attempted to be up early (like, 6:45ish), and instead I didn't get up until about 8:30ish. I hate when I do that. I adore waking up early. I love it more when I'm out in the middle of nowhere, but I guess suburbia will have to do for now... However, I can't wait until I can move out... I'm going to go wherever I can to get away from these crowds. Even in a neighborhood like mine, that isn't terribly crowded or close to the city, it's still too crowded and close to the city. I'm looking for... something like where the Hicks live. That's good, I guess. Ideally, I would live near a lake in the mountains somewhere... Have neighbors that are far enough away that I can't see them from my house. That's my dream. I love it. Now if I could just make myself wake up early... I did at the retreat... Of course, that could be because I slept in the loft, and the sun came right in through the window as it rose. Which was around 6. It was awesome. I love being awake with the sunrise. I'm really going to work on achieving that. And being healthier. I have always said "When I move out, I'm going to be the healthiest person ever!" Well, I'm realizing that I can be that person now... Even without moving out just yet. So, it's more water, more exercising, more consistent sleep, etc. No guarantees on health food, though... And this should help my migraines. Which would freaking rock. We'll see!!!




But anyway, I think I'm going to attempt another workout in a minute or two.... After I eat. Love y'all, and God bless!

Ahhh... :)

That, my good friends, was a good run. Yeah, it is almost 9. And yes, I did just come in from a run. Albeit, not a very long one, but a good one. And that, added to my mile run on the elliptical this morning, plus all the other exercises makes for a pretty successful day. What made it really great was on the last half of my run I was slowly jogging while blaring Dance The Night Away by Van Halen through my phone. So, of course, I was halfway dancing and singing along, going about my merry little way around this cul-de-sac when, on the way back to the main road, right after hitting a crazy pose and singing even louder, I saw a guy sitting on his porch... waving at me. So, yeah, he saw my whole performance... Did that stop me, or even slow me down? If you think it did, you OBVIOUSLY don't know me. I just giggled and waved back, continuing on my merry little way. Hey, I have no clue who he is, and he has no clue who I am. Plus, it's dark out, so he probably wouldn't recognize me if he ever saw me again. It was fun though. No matter how ridiculous I looked, I got my workout in for the day.



So, anyway, my day wasn't this good the whole time. Morning/early afternoon=good. Late afternoon=icky. Night=good. Why was the late afternoon so bad, you ask? Well, mainly because I backed into a dumpster as I was trying to leave work... Dented up my car pretty badly. It even moved the dumpster a bit, so I had to go back inside to tell my boss that I'm basically an idiot who can't drive... She was concerned for my car/my safety, as was my coworker who heard/saw the whole thing, and wasn't really upset at all. She didn't seem too thrilled about having to call the owner to get him to put the dumpster back into its original place, but she understood that it was a total accident. So now I have pretty blue paint on the back of my nice dark red car... It looks wonderful. However, work wasn't COMPLETELY horrendous. I did spend all day dreaming of what I want my future to be like, though... While cleaning up after little children. I don't think I want kids. My future husband should provide enough mess for me to get my cleaning out on... Between my mess, and anything a man could contribute, I think I'll really have my work cut out for me...



Also, I am going to start a hope chest. I'm very excited about it!! And my Mimi said I could host a Pampered Chef party, using her house! Oh my goodness, that makes me soooo happy!!! I adore Pampered Chef!! You are all invited.... just as soon as I get it planned... Haha, it may be a while... But hey, when it happens, you can all come! I can't wait to be married. I know it's not going to be a fairy tale... There will be fights, and days when I just want to quit and leave, and there will be times when I question whether or not I even made the right decision in getting married. However, I have wanted to be a wife for my entire life. I feel like that is the role I would be most comfortable in. Motherhood would be cool, but being someone's wife is my ultimate goal. I long for that. As much as I like to think that either I can't find someone, or that I don't want to, it's really one of my greatest fears... That's why I'm having to turn it over to God... And I have to learn patience. It's not a virtue I possess just yet. I'm working on it though. I'm also working on loving myself. And most importantly, I'm working on my relationship with God. When I get all of that right, then I think I'll be ready. Of course, it's not really up to me at all. This is God's deal now. Which is good, because if I try to find a guy, I will never be happy. God has to do it, or I'll screw it up. I always do. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I don't desire to be insane. So I shall leave the guy thing to God. He made all the men in this world, He'll know which one is right for me. Yeah, I just made that last part up, and I think it's pretty deep. That kinda weirds me out how deeply that speaks to me... Maybe I just learned a lesson... Dang, dude, that is trippin' me out... Wow.



Anyway, I'll stop with my weirdo rambling now... Haha. I know I get a little redundant and ramble-y. That's just the way I roll. Luckily, if you read this blog, you already know that. So you're good to go. And I don't think I have any newbies... Doubt if I ever will... But that's okay. Blogging is becoming my personal outlet. It's like a diary... Or a journal. Except that anyone in the world with access to the internet has the potential to read it... That's kinda cool, yet scary. But anyhoo, I'm fairly exhausted, and I still have a shower to take... I'm sorta gross... Love you guys! Good night, and God bless!

Again? Yes... again.

So, Seth and I had a long talk today... I casually mentioned that Thomas waited five years before Steph came around... He said "Well, I've only got two and a half left then..." I fuh-reaked (that's like "freaked", just with more emphasis...) Umm... Yeah. He's liked me (pretty much consistently, although occasionally it was more of that "Yeah, I like her, her, her, that girl over there, her, her, oh, and her too" kind of deal... still though...) for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I knew he liked me for the past few months... But I wasn't thinking I was dealing with YEARS here!!! Ohh, good gravy... This is bad, so bad... I have even LESS of a clue on dealing with this than I did before I knew... "I wish somehow I didn't know now what I didn't know then..." (Yup, I have a song for everything). I have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER. And, yes, I have prayed about it....





Ah, I'm adding these lyrics to my list of things I WANT in a man:



I want a man that stands beside me
not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand by me
Be true, don't tell lies to me
I'm not looking for a fantasy
I want a man who stands beside me




I think that's a pretty good way to sum it up. It's very true... It's also a song I grew up on. So, I mean, it's pretty cool that I liked it before I fully understood the lyrics, and now that I do understand them, I love it. I love it when that happens... Which tends to happen a lot. I had good taste in music as a kid. Maybe I'm just re-realizing my awesomeness... haha. Anyway....



Didn't really work out today... Unless you count praise and worship... And tossin' the football around with Seth... In which case, I worked out today. You know, I think I'm going to count that. That was fun though. I love football. Just throwing that out there. And I would so be the kind of girlfriend that you could play tackle football with, and I wouldn't even get mad if I got hurt. I'm not that stupid. Someone remind me again why I'm single? Oh yeah, I'm secretly a man, trapped in a woman's body. That could be the problem. Also, I guess I'm not right with God just yet. I have really been working on it, though. I'm just not very good at it. At anything, really. Not just yet. The only thing I'm good at is listening to (and singing loudly, and probably badly) any country music. I love it. I have it on my laptop, desktop, TV, iPod, car radio, and my phone! Am I addicted? Yes, probably. I mean, I'm playing it now, via youtube.com. Yup. I'm that cool. I Swear by John Michael Montgomery is playing as I type these words. I love music. And nature. Too bad I can't be paid to enjoy life. That would be the best job EVER. Although a lot of people wouldn't be too good at it. That's okay though. If you enjoy life, you live longer, supposedly, so maybe I'll just have more of a life to enjoy than other people... Which is almost sad, since I'll outlive my loved ones, but still... I'm kind of a recluse anyway, so it's all good. Is it bad that I can talk about death so nonchalantly? I mean, death isn't really that bad. I mean, yeah, it's sad for those of us left here, but really, as long as it isn't terribly drawn out, death is just another phase in the cycle of life... "It's the circle of life...." I think that's a pretty good outlook to have though, because, when my time comes, I won't be scared. Which is good, since I feel that fear is pretty typically a stupid and unfounded emotion. I mean, there are some times in which fear is good. Like if God Almighty is enraged, yeah, be scared. And, yes, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of... I still think it's stupid. Like frogs. Why on God's green Earth am I afraid of FROGS?!?!? It's so ridiculous. I'm trying to get over it... unsuccessfully thus far... I'm working on it though. Especially if I want to work outside. I mean, you can't really be afraid of frogs and work outside. It's just not logical. But that's enough about my weird fear... All I'm really trying to say is that worry and fear need to just exit my life. That would make life a little better. Maybe not altogether, as then I would be doing some pretty stupid stuff, e.g. jumping off of buildings, climbing tall rickety objects, etc.



So, I think for now I'm going to sign off of here. I love you all. Good night and God bless.

Boys, boys, boys...

Yup, I'm surrounded by boys right now and I could not be happier. Boys make me happy. They are soooo much more fun to hang out with than girls. They are absolutely crazy! But I love them. I don't know what I would do if I had daughters. Boys I could handle. Being a tomboy myself, I would have no problems playing catch or rolling in the mud. However, tea parties and Barbies are NOT my style... That just would NOT work for me.


Anyway, I have had a rather... interesting day. I have been hanging out with Seth all day long. Of course, that's mostly because no one else would/could. I mean, everyone else went out to eat, but they went to Brick Oven, which makes me sick to my stomach, so I avoid it at all costs.



Oh, random tidbit of information: I didn't work out yesterday as I had a super bad migraine... I was in bed by 10 PM, if that tells you anything. I think my body may still be slightly recuperating from the retreat... Oh man, I needed that retreat though. I just wish I could go back... Too bad I can't go with the Hicks when they go in November.. But that wouldn't be a good idea... I'm not invited, first of all... Secondly, I would have to either take off of work or cut my vacation short... Thirdly, I might have some... issues with the boys in the family. Ethan hates me, or at least acts that way. Michael... well, we know what the problem is there. And Seth, well, again, we know what the problem there is too... Maybe if I didn't have such a naturally flirtatious personality I wouldn't have any problems at all. Of course, testosterone is an issue there too. Which never ends well. Just throwing that out there. But whatever. I just hate that I love him... as a friend. Maybe, just maybe, when he's older... Maybe something can grow out of it then... Like with Steph and Thomas. But then again, there's always a chance that nothing will happen, we'll stay friends, and that's all it will ever be. That's what I'm thinking... Although... He did chase me. I got upset, and he did EXACTLY what I want a guy to do. He walked away (well, really he rode away on his four-wheeler), then came back five minutes later. Why can I not make myself like him?! Maybe it's just because of how young he is. Maybe it's because I'm not ready yet. Maybe it's because I'm crushing on... that one guy. (Is it totally pathetic that my fingers wouldn't even type his name just now?! Urgh, this stupid crush crap needs to go away. Like now.) Maybe... no. I don't even need to think like that right now.





Okay, so I'm going to actually go back to doing work for Steph now... Even though I don't have to... I'm just being a good helper, I guess. Later y'all... God bless.

Goodness gracious...

Green Goodness: apples, pineapples, mango, kiwi fruit, spirulina, chlorella, green tea, broccoli, spinach, barley grass, wheat grass, blue green algae, echinacea, garlic (odorless), Jerusalem artichoke, lemon, Nova Scotia dulce, and lots of vitamins. Sounds disgusting, right? It is SOOOOOO good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's 100% natural and has 8 servings of fruits and veggies per 32 ounce bottle. Oh my word it's good. I got similar stuff in a mocha flavor... Haven't tried it yet, but when I do, I'll fill you guys in. I'm sure it's going to rock.



So, I didn't work out like I thought I needed to, but I did have a dance party for about an hour... It was fun! And I'm still super sore from the lake. And my head has been hurting... So I'm going to go talk to Megan and her friend from school for a bit, then I'm hitting the shower, then bedtime. Sorry this post is soooo short, but I'm just dead tired. So later, y'all. Good night, and God bless.

I'm in... :)

"If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it right now. And I would be the best [dang] poet; silver words out of my mouth. My words might not be magic, but they cut straight to the truth. If you need a lover and a friend, I'm in." --I'm In by Keith Urban.



Figured I'd kick this baby off with the chorus to the song that's been stuck in my head all day long. I adore this song! It's soooo cute and sweet! Aaaaaaand, it's kinda applicable, although I have realized that I won't be in a (good) relationship with anyone until I get my relationship with God going super good. So I've really got to work on it... which I did while I was at camp. And I'm going to continue to do now... Also, I've admitted my own emotions to myself... I'm having these weird feelings about that one guy (yeah, he's going to remain nameless... just in case, although I'm sure you all know who it is). I was talking to Steph about it, and she said I was just crushing on him... I replied that, if it's a crush, it's unlike any crush I've ever had. To which she gave me the deepest response EVER: maybe he's just the only one who's ever been worthy. Which completely caught me off guard... because it's TRUE. Every other guy hasn't been the kind of guy I needed, but he is. At least I think so... and my parents agree... Even Megan agrees, and that's saying something. So, I mean, he totally is the type of guy I would LOVE to marry... I mean, I'm not thinking about it, per se, I'm just throwing that out there. He's the type of guy that I wouldn't mind being with. But, anyway... It isn't going to happen... And if it does, it'll be a while, because I have to get myself in order first... So that could take a while. But I will get myself in order... Not for him though. For me. And God. My relationship with God and myself are more important than a relationship with any man could ever even hope to be. So THAT is my first priority. Also, I'm going to start working out again. And putting it on here when I do, that way, when I don't, you guys can yell at me/offer encouragement/whatever... Being at the lake (I ran/walked/swam sooo much, and it was AWESOME) made me remember how much I adore it. I truly do... I used to do it obsessively, but I'll try to avoid that.... I don't know how it's going to work out, and I know I won't be able to do it at the same time every day... unless I do it SUPER EARLY, which is a possibility.... We'll see how it all works out, I suppose. I'm just excited to see how this is going to work out. But anyway, I'm sore and exhausted and in need of a shower... Also, if I'm going to attempt to work out tomorrow morning, I need to rest up... So I shall post again tomorrow, God willing.... Love you all! Good night, and God bless.

Do I have to come back?!?

Ohhh my gosh, I had so much fun at the lake... I needed the time with God and my friends... I really have learned a lot. Every muscle in my body is aching. I still feel dirty. I am exceptionally exhausted. But that was the best vacation I have had in ages. I could do that for a living.... and that's not an exaggeration. Steph actually said that she wanted to start a church camp like the one we were at this weekend, and she said I could be the groundskeeper! Which would freaking ROCK!!! Also, I got to talk to Seth about his little... "crush" on me... And I got to hang out with Michael... Not that it was important or anything.... just a little side note... Anyway, I'm exhausted, haven't seen my family in DAYS, and don't know my hours for tomorrow and Friday... Therefore, I'm going to say "goodbye" for now... So goodbye, and God bless!

Idle hands? Ha!

So, I made a few revisions to my plans for the rest of the week... Tomorrow morning I'm going to Emily's to help with cakes until I have to go to work, then working 'til 6. After work, I'm going back to Em's to carpool with her up to the Pampered Chef party. Friday I'm going to help Bobbie get her classroom (she homeschools her boys) set up and reorganized. Saturday I'll probably help get ready for the volunteer retreat/Sunday morning. Sunday-Wednesday are vacation, praise the Lord. I'm so ready for this. I know it's all I've been talking about, but I am in desperate need of some relaxation. As in, if I don't get some soon, I'm going to go postal on everyone. And that would NOT be a good thing. But I get to chill out this weekend. So I should be okay for a while after this. I don't need a lot of vacations... Just like one every year or two... If that often. Of course, I don't mind having them more often than that... I just won't die if I don't get a good day or two of pure relaxation. I think that's a major problem in the world today. Even when people go on vacation, they spend so much time trying to do all the "cool stuff" that they never really relax. And isn't that the whole point of vacation? I mean, it is defined as "a period of rest or freedom from duty". I consider doing all sorts of touristy activities a "duty", especially since they usually cost a lot of time, energy, and money. I'd much rather hike a mountain and just chill. Something simple like that. I don't need to visit every single cool thing in the area. Just let me go somewhere pretty with no other people around and I'm good to go. That's actually my dream vacation. Taking a tent and a backpack full of supplies to a random mountain where no one else would really go and just enjoying nature. It's really a religious experience for me. To me, it's easier to see God when I'm surrounded by his artwork. Cities are filled with man-made structures, whereas nature is basically God's art gallery. He made us all this gorgeous stuff, yet we tear it down to make room for strip malls and roads. I mean, I know that human beings are need to build cities; it's part of our nature. But I still think that God's creations shouldn't be ignored. That's why I love nature so much. It's just like God made us all this stuff to for us to enjoy, yet we really don't. When was the last time you really looked at the plants? The clouds? The stars? The animals? Anything? I love doing so, because God made some really awesome stuff. Have you ever just watched the woods "wake up"? I love going hunting with my dad because we get into the stand/blind before sunrise, so we get to see the transition from night to dawn, dawn to morning, morning to afternoon, afternoon to evening, evening to dusk, and dusk to night. It's freaking awesome. Even if you're against hunting, I recommend doing this at least once in life. Don't even take a gun. Doesn't matter what time of year. Just go sit somewhere, alone with no electronics (turned on...), and just pay close attention to the world around you. It can truly be a very spiritual experience. That's actually when I feel closest to God. Just a recommendation though.



So, anyway, I don't have too terribly much to say anymore... Other than that I am freezing my tail off!!! I'm so tired of always being cold in my room. It is not fun. At all. I guess that means I should hit the hay... I need to get some sleep if I'm going to wake up early to help Em. Love you guys! Good night, and God bless!

Gary Allen song lyrics...

Just figured I'd start off with a snippet of the lyrics to "Get Off On The Pain", by Gary Allan. *Parents: There are no curse words, but not all of this is exactly Jesus music... So read it before your kids do.*




My whole life I been pickin' fights
There ain't no way to win
Got a hundred scars I should have run away
Now tattooed on my skin
There's a side of me that just won't stop
Dancin' in the flame
Maybe I just get off on the pain

'Cause I love the long shots
And the left out lost causes
Hangin' out at the back of the pack
With the dark horses
I ride the wrong road
Just a fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain




That's just some of it... And here's a link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAcstCYcZzQ&feature=av2e


Yup, it's good stuff.... And I think it's pretty true. Except for me it's that I love men that I know will never love me back, or I love men that don't treat me the way they should, or that I should not love at all... It's not healthy, yet I still do it... Yeah... Now if God would just send me a man... I suck at waiting, quite frankly. Maybe that's what he's trying to make me learn: patience. Unfortunately, my problems with men and patience may cause me to break some hearts. Right now, only one, but I don't want to break any hearts at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I may be breaking this boy's heart right now. I hate that. But I don't know what to do. No matter what, he's going to get hurt, as long as he likes me. That breaks my heart. So God really needs to help me. I cannot do this alone, and he knows that. So I have no freaking clue what he's doing. Does he just want me to break this kid's heart? Because that does NOT seem like a "God plan" to me. Just throwing that out there.




Anyway, enough of that... Today was a good day, and then a horribly stressful one. I got a call from work at about 9:30; they didn't need me until 3, so Mrs. Bobbie asked me to come help her clean again. So I went over there from about 11 until 2 and cleaned. I also slit my finger open while cleaning the air vents. But I was very well compensated for my time. So that was cool. Then I got to work and every single one of my kids was being absolutely horrid. I almost lost my Jesus several times. I was in constant prayer and permanently doing the "count to ten while breathing deeply to calm down" thing... It didn't work too well, obviously. I can handle just a few of them being wild, but not TWELVE at one stinking time!!! Ohhh my gosh, it was terrible! But at least now I've got some country music playing, and that will chill me out a lot. At least I hope so... It should, though. It always does. Oh, so today I learned that I won't be going up to camp until Saturday afternoon, but I still don't have to work on Friday, praise God. I am so stoked about this vacation. It's going to freaking rock. Seriously, I'll finally get a chance to legitimately relax. Ohh, man, this is going to be radical, in every since of the word.



On a completely random note, I am loving John Michael Montgomery's songs, Sold and Be My Baby Tonight (or whatever it's called). I always have. I loved them as a kid because he sang so fast in them... Or at least I thought so at the time. Really, I like a lot of his music... I just was never aware it was all by him. Of course, as a kid, I wasn't too concerned with artists, just their music. "So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight? Take a chance, slow dance, make a little romance, honey it'll be alright. Girl, you got me wishin' we were huggin' and a-kissin', and a-holdin' each other tight. So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight?" Good stuff right there. Okay, so is it sad that his song, I Can Love You Like That, is totally what I want? That's all. Just someone to love me totally and completely. I don't expect perfection. Just love. True love. Does that even exist though? I mean, I know it does with God. But does it exist for two people? And, an even better question, will I find it? I mean, is there really someone out there for everyone? If so, then why do people die single every day? What about the person that was perfect for them, or that they were perfect for? Maybe not everyone was meant to find love... Am I one of those people? Okay, I feel myself getting despondent, and I need to stop that mess. I am only eighteen. I still have a while before I'm an old maid... Right? Yes. See that? That's me learning to not care that I'm single... Too bad I like to have someone with me... Someone to love on, lay my head on, hug, play fight with, etc. I like having a guy to be with... I don't have to love them, but if I do, it's even better. The problems arise when they love me and I don't reciprocate... Which is the situation I'm trapped in now... I didn't know he liked me until it was way too late. Now I don't know what to do... If I ignore him, it'll break his heart. If I keep it up, it'll break his heart. Either way, he winds up heartbroken, and I feel like a cold-hearted... snake. Yeah, snake. I don't want to be that girl. I hate those girls. I don't want to be one of the girls I hate. Urgh. I quit life. I just want to sit on the sidelines and watch the game. I decided life is basically no-rules rugby. So, if I quit, I can sit in the bleachers, eating all the yummy ballpark food without gaining weight or anything, and I get to laugh at all the people still playing this war we call "the game of life". I think it's a pretty good plan. Anyone care to join me? I'll save you a good seat.




So, I guess I'll shut up now... I've whined enough for one night, and I have some music to listen to. If I don't, I may lose my mind. I think my brain is melting in a ooey, gooey mess that will soon begin pouring out of my ears. Thus, I shall lose my brain. I think that means I need a break... or retirement. Either one would be good. Although I'd prefer being paid to retire. Can I do that? Be a professional relaxer? Or professional vacationer? Or professional hermit? Something of the sort... That'd be nice. Maybe I can hike the country and write reviews for all the places I go... Ha. That's too good to be a real job. But, as a minimalist in training (I'm being trained by myself, of all people), I think I could subsist on a smaller income than most. Also, I don't really eat, so that saves money. Or sleep. I can do that outside. I'll invest in a tent, and I'll never have to have a house or rent a hotel room... That'd be cool. Anyway, I'm going to go now, so I can pretend to relax for a while... Good night, y'all, and God bless.

While I'm thinking about it...

Okay, so I know I just said I was going to clean, and then go to bed, but I wanted to do this while I was thinking about it. I am going to create a list of what I want/need in a man. I just want to have the ability to look back at my list, revise it, and see what's really important to me. I think this can also teach me a lot about myself. And this is a good time to do it too, since I'm single.



Okay, so qualities I WANT my future man to possess:

• TRUE Christianity
• Respect
• Love
• Chivalry (if I have it, they should too!)
• Honest
• Trustworthy
• Kind
• Caring
• Content
• Strength, and not just physical
• A desire to protect/defend/fight for what's right/what he loves
• Desire to support me, and not necessarily financially
• Helpfulness
• Intelligence
• Good sense of humor
• Ability to forgive
• Ability to see the bright side of things
• Understanding
• Heart for others
• Confidence

Yeah.... that's all I can think of right now.

Now for the qualities I DON'T want in a man:

• Lying
• Cheating
• Stealing
• Hatefulness
• Disrespect
• Abusive behavior (duh...)
• Unloving
• Uncaring
• Cold
• Unsupportive
• Unimaginative
• Stuck up/cocky
• Indifference

That list is substantially shorter... I know I'm going to add to this and revise both lists... But for now, I think that covers it... If I missed anything, let me know.

The zombies are attacking!!!!

Dear Friday,

Please hurry and get here. It's urgent. It's an emergency. It's a matter of life and death. MY life, soon to be my death if you don't get here.

Thanks for understanding.

Love,

Caitlin






Oh my word, I am sooooo exhausted and my head is killing me. Migraines and child care don't mix too well... about like gasoline and fire. But, (and that's one "but" I'm pretty fond of) Friday is the start of my first stress-free vacation since... Colorado. Kinda. That was still a little stressful. But all family vacations are. I prefer to go somewhere pretty, maybe a few organized activities, but mostly just a "hey, do whatever you want" type thing. I like just relaxing. If I want to go to the lake, I'll go. If I just want to lay in bed (yeah, like that's going to happen), I will. That's my kind of vacation. And I'm pretty stoked that I finally get one. It's going to be great. If I can just survive until then... Although, I really am pumped about the Pampered Chef party I'm going to Thursday night, hosted by Mrs. Bobbie. It's going to be pretty stinking rad.




So, my loverly "friend" (the boy who likes me, and knows it is NOT mutual) has kicked it up a notch... I'm now his "pretty flower", which I promptly told *the girls*. Now it is an inside joke, with Steph and I calling each other "pansy", "hibiscus", "gerbera daisy", "hiacinth", etc. It's so stinking funny. He kinda cracks me up... Does that make me a bad person? I'm pretty sure it does... Ohhhh well.




Okay, so for now, I think I need to go clean up my room a bit and then hit the hay. I didn't go to sleep last night 'til around 1:30... Good stuff. Except I'm a freaking zombie today. So... So long, farewell, auf viederzehn (sp?), adieu... Good night, and God bless.

Ezer kenegdo...

I am ezer kenegdo. "Ezer" = "lifesaver". "Kenegdo" = "counterpart". As a woman, God created me to be man's lifesaving counterpart. I have never felt so epically awesome in my life. Men need women. That, in and of itself, is reason enough to feel great. But then, I'm beautiful. As a woman, I am made beautiful. God endowed me with beauty. All I have to do is sit back, chill out, and let my beauty radiate naturally. Which is much easier said than done. I have to sit back and chill out? Yeah, right. Like I can do that. While I'm at it, I'll just hold my breath and count to a billion. I am incapable of doing either... alone. I can do the first (well, really, the second too, but it's irrelevant) with the help of my great Romancer. My King. He can help me. He can help you, too. I've gotten to the place where I have nowhere else to turn, which is how God likes it, just so you know... I need God to take me, mellow me out, and help me to allow my beauty to shine forth. The only problem with this? I have to become vulnerable, which if you have known me for any amount of time, you know that I do NOT allow myself to be vulnerable. Even when I "vent", I hold most things in because if one person can see everything, they can hurt me. And honestly, I'm terrified of being hurt again. But I know that vulnerability is what I need in order that I may become the woman God intended me to be. So now, in every prayer I pray, I have to ASK to be made the one thing I never wanted to be: vulnerable. Oh, Lord. Help me. But I know it will all be okay. God will make me what he wants me to be in his time and in his way. I trust him.



Now that I've gotten my obligatory deep, spiritual stuff out of the way (just kidding, kinda)... I think I may need prayer. I messed up my lower back- the right lower back, to be specific- and I'm not sure what's wrong. However, I do know that I have to perform Silent Witness tomorrow, and can barely move. This cannot end well. And because it's me (and there's only 3 other people performing tomorrow) I shall simply have to tough it out. I practiced a couple of times tonight, and no one should be able to tell that I am in pain. I don't grimace or wince, so it'll be okay. But still, it is making my job at the daycare even harder, as I can barely lift kids, or bend over, or squat down, or sit down, etc. So if you would, please pray for me.



On a more pleasant note, I got the EGR valve for my car... Let's just hope it's the right one. They ordered two, because no one knew which one I needed, so I have to get this one put in. If it fits, yay! If it doesn't, I simply return it and get the other one. Joy of joys. This shall be fun. It will all pay off in the end though, as my gas mileage will return to its original state of awesomeness.



Alas, it is 11:35 and I still have laundry to finish, Bible to read, and prayers to pray before bed. So I must bid you all farewell. Perhaps I shall see you tomorrow at church. I love you all, and I am praying for you. Good night, and God bless.

Captivating...

Dear John and Stasi Eldridge,
I simply adore your book. I needed to read it. Thank you for being brave enough to write it, as I know that could not have been an easy task.
Sincerely,
Caitlin.



So, in case you couldn't tell, I read Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge... I started it Saturday night and finished it today. Sunday I was sick, so no reading. But, oh my goodness, if you haven't read this book yet, DO IT NOW!!!! It should be required reading for all women. This book has to be Heaven-sent, and that's not an exaggeration. I mean, I seriously believe it was commissioned by God Himself. It is that good. Yup. So go read it. If you've read it already, then you agree with me, right?



Ah, so back to life... Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I've been rather sick, and I still am, but now I have "feel-good pills", otherwise known as sinus decongestants (or something like that). Seriously though, every single time the Hicks family is out of town, I get sick... I vote they stop leaving me. But that may be just my own selfish desires... Haha, but anyway, I'm so stoked about these next few weeks... Wednesday is church, Thursday is date night with Meg, Friday is some sort of dinner/game night with some person from NLC, Saturday is Bible Quizzing (I think?), Sunday is church... Then the next weekend is BOOTCAMP!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. This is going to be great. Also, I ordered the EGR valve for my car! Now I need tires and an air conditioner and my car will be as good as new (pardon my cliché). I feel so grown-up now... I am spending my own money on medicine, car parts, food, et cetera (and yes, I wrote that all out just because I can...). Now I just need to head to college and move out and I'll be legit. Of course, that may take a while....




Anyway, on to more... gossip-y type mess. So tonight I made the mistake of saying my mom's taste in television shows was less than stellar. Apparently, that's code for "You are a stupid, idiotic failure and no one loves you." I was unaware that is what that translated to... But okay. So while my mom is sitting there lashing out, due to her injured feelings, all I could think was "Okay, so I can't say you don't watch good TV, but you can say anything you want about me? How is that fair?" Now, I know she's the mom, and therefore has a right to say certain things, but she and my dad both have a way of saying things that cut me to the core and make me feel... unappreciated, unloved, not special, not good enough, and just generally like a failure. I mean, I just finished Captivating, which basically says that all of that is not true, but it still hurts. Especially coming from my parents. For example, they told Megan they expect a 3.9 GPA when she graduates (FYI: that's pretty much impossible, even the school agrees). So when I asked why they would do that, when they said nothing about me graduating with something along the line of a 3.3, they responded "We just don't expect that much from you"... Well... Why not? Oh, and what was their reasoning for their desire for me to go to ASU Beebe and not UCA? They figure I'll just drop out and become a homemaker anyway, so why waste the money on a better, but more expensive, school? That crushed me to the core. That completely broke my heart. Did I tell them that? Absolutely not. That would not make anything better at all. In fact, it would only worsen the situation. I know that from previous experiences. If I say I was hurt by something someone said, I am accused of being weak, whiny, and various other things until I'm the one apologizing. So, in order to avoid that mess, I'm trying to forgive them without letting them know I'm even hurt. I mean, this is one of the reasons I spend more time with people like Emily, who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. She makes me feel like I could do anything in the world, while my parents expect me (and yes, they actually said this to my face) to drop out of college, settle for a less than stellar guy, marry him, have a kid or two, and just be a "homemaker". Now, honestly, I have absolutely nothing against homemakers. In fact, I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, once I have kids. But the negativity in their voices, the connotation that, by becoming that person, I would be a failure, broke my heart. And, as I'm sure you all know by now, I don't handle heartbreak very well. I trust my parents... But they don't have any faith in me at all. I just don't see how I'm going to be able to live up to God's plan for me, when my parents don't think I can even live up to their bare minimum. This is why I go outside of my family for my support group. I tell Emily just about everything. I tell my parents practically nothing. I know they hate it, but Emily listens and then tells me that I can, that I am good enough, smart enough, that I am blessed, loved, supported, believed in, wanted, needed, desired. She really is my best friend. I wouldn't trade her for the world. Now I know I can't rely on her for validation, that's God's job (read the book and you'll get it), but she does offer me the love and support I need in order to keep trying. Because, honestly, I want to be the strong, beautiful, captivating woman of God that I know I am inside... I just can't seem to let her out just yet. I am going to continue to work on it, but until I can make peace with my demons, I know that can't happen. And one of my biggest "demons" is my belief that anything negative spoken about me, especially by those people whom I love and respect, must be true, whereas positive statements should be analyzed, criticized, and cast out. It's a huge hindrance that I must overcome, and I shall. God made me an overcomer, I know that without a shadow of doubt. I just need to let myself be weak, so that I may be made strong in Him, that I might overcome this battle inside myself. But for now I must stop preaching so that I can go to sleep sometime tonight. I love you all dearly. Good night, and God bless.