Just figured I'd start off with a snippet of the lyrics to "Get Off On The Pain", by Gary Allan. *Parents: There are no curse words, but not all of this is exactly Jesus music... So read it before your kids do.*
My whole life I been pickin' fights
There ain't no way to win
Got a hundred scars I should have run away
Now tattooed on my skin
There's a side of me that just won't stop
Dancin' in the flame
Maybe I just get off on the pain
'Cause I love the long shots
And the left out lost causes
Hangin' out at the back of the pack
With the dark horses
I ride the wrong road
Just a fast as I can
God knows there's no one else to blame
Sometimes I think I get off on the pain
That's just some of it... And here's a link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAcstCYcZzQ&feature=av2e
Yup, it's good stuff.... And I think it's pretty true. Except for me it's that I love men that I know will never love me back, or I love men that don't treat me the way they should, or that I should not love at all... It's not healthy, yet I still do it... Yeah... Now if God would just send me a man... I suck at waiting, quite frankly. Maybe that's what he's trying to make me learn: patience. Unfortunately, my problems with men and patience may cause me to break some hearts. Right now, only one, but I don't want to break any hearts at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I may be breaking this boy's heart right now. I hate that. But I don't know what to do. No matter what, he's going to get hurt, as long as he likes me. That breaks my heart. So God really needs to help me. I cannot do this alone, and he knows that. So I have no freaking clue what he's doing. Does he just want me to break this kid's heart? Because that does NOT seem like a "God plan" to me. Just throwing that out there.
Anyway, enough of that... Today was a good day, and then a horribly stressful one. I got a call from work at about 9:30; they didn't need me until 3, so Mrs. Bobbie asked me to come help her clean again. So I went over there from about 11 until 2 and cleaned. I also slit my finger open while cleaning the air vents. But I was very well compensated for my time. So that was cool. Then I got to work and every single one of my kids was being absolutely horrid. I almost lost my Jesus several times. I was in constant prayer and permanently doing the "count to ten while breathing deeply to calm down" thing... It didn't work too well, obviously. I can handle just a few of them being wild, but not TWELVE at one stinking time!!! Ohhh my gosh, it was terrible! But at least now I've got some country music playing, and that will chill me out a lot. At least I hope so... It should, though. It always does. Oh, so today I learned that I won't be going up to camp until Saturday afternoon, but I still don't have to work on Friday, praise God. I am so stoked about this vacation. It's going to freaking rock. Seriously, I'll finally get a chance to legitimately relax. Ohh, man, this is going to be radical, in every since of the word.
On a completely random note, I am loving John Michael Montgomery's songs, Sold and Be My Baby Tonight (or whatever it's called). I always have. I loved them as a kid because he sang so fast in them... Or at least I thought so at the time. Really, I like a lot of his music... I just was never aware it was all by him. Of course, as a kid, I wasn't too concerned with artists, just their music. "So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight? Take a chance, slow dance, make a little romance, honey it'll be alright. Girl, you got me wishin' we were huggin' and a-kissin', and a-holdin' each other tight. So could ya, would ya, ain'tcha gonna, if I asked ya, would you wanna be my baby tonight?" Good stuff right there. Okay, so is it sad that his song, I Can Love You Like That, is totally what I want? That's all. Just someone to love me totally and completely. I don't expect perfection. Just love. True love. Does that even exist though? I mean, I know it does with God. But does it exist for two people? And, an even better question, will I find it? I mean, is there really someone out there for everyone? If so, then why do people die single every day? What about the person that was perfect for them, or that they were perfect for? Maybe not everyone was meant to find love... Am I one of those people? Okay, I feel myself getting despondent, and I need to stop that mess. I am only eighteen. I still have a while before I'm an old maid... Right? Yes. See that? That's me learning to not care that I'm single... Too bad I like to have someone with me... Someone to love on, lay my head on, hug, play fight with, etc. I like having a guy to be with... I don't have to love them, but if I do, it's even better. The problems arise when they love me and I don't reciprocate... Which is the situation I'm trapped in now... I didn't know he liked me until it was way too late. Now I don't know what to do... If I ignore him, it'll break his heart. If I keep it up, it'll break his heart. Either way, he winds up heartbroken, and I feel like a cold-hearted... snake. Yeah, snake. I don't want to be that girl. I hate those girls. I don't want to be one of the girls I hate. Urgh. I quit life. I just want to sit on the sidelines and watch the game. I decided life is basically no-rules rugby. So, if I quit, I can sit in the bleachers, eating all the yummy ballpark food without gaining weight or anything, and I get to laugh at all the people still playing this war we call "the game of life". I think it's a pretty good plan. Anyone care to join me? I'll save you a good seat.
So, I guess I'll shut up now... I've whined enough for one night, and I have some music to listen to. If I don't, I may lose my mind. I think my brain is melting in a ooey, gooey mess that will soon begin pouring out of my ears. Thus, I shall lose my brain. I think that means I need a break... or retirement. Either one would be good. Although I'd prefer being paid to retire. Can I do that? Be a professional relaxer? Or professional vacationer? Or professional hermit? Something of the sort... That'd be nice. Maybe I can hike the country and write reviews for all the places I go... Ha. That's too good to be a real job. But, as a minimalist in training (I'm being trained by myself, of all people), I think I could subsist on a smaller income than most. Also, I don't really eat, so that saves money. Or sleep. I can do that outside. I'll invest in a tent, and I'll never have to have a house or rent a hotel room... That'd be cool. Anyway, I'm going to go now, so I can pretend to relax for a while... Good night, y'all, and God bless.