Thursday, March 17, 2011


So, today, the power at my house went out. I was so frustrated. I had to shower (and shave my legs, which is scary enough with lights on... using sharp objects in the dark is mortifying!) with nothing but candles for lights. Then when I got out, I realized I couldn't get online, dry my hair, open the garage door to leave (I had to raise it manually), cook food, or even see to put on makeup. I was so frustrated. I legitimately thought to myself "This must be what it's like to live in a 3rd world country." Then I mentally slapped myself. That was the stupidest, most selfish, idiotic thing I could ever have even thought. I am ashamed to know that I thought that way. Because, although it did stink that my power was out, I had hot, clean water with which to shower, clean clothes to wear, a house to live in, a car to drive, money in my purse, the ability to drive to McDonald's to get food, a job to be headed to, a radio to listen to gospel music, the ability to learn about God without fear of imprisonment or death... The list goes on and on and on. I am blessed. We all are. Yet we sit here and whine about little things that don't even matter. Therefore, I'm going to start praying (though I'm pretty sure I already know the answer) about sponsoring a child through Holt International. I've wanted to for a while now, but my mom talked me out of it. However, it's only $30 a month. If I have to cut back on fast food or Dr Pepper, so be it. I'm sure my body will thank me for it anyway. I'm sorry I got preachy, but I see flaws in myself that I need to fix, and by posting them on here, I bring it from the back of my mind to the very front. So that's my preaching for tonight.

Anyway, I think I may have a small problem... I don't get hungry anymore... Well, I do, but I don't eat hardly anything and I'm full. Tonight I had a small piece of chicken for my dinner. That's it. I had a halfway normal lunch, but it's gotten to the point that I eat one to one and a half meals a day.. I haven't lost too much weight though, so I guess it's okay for now. I don't know if I'm getting depressed, or what, but I really don't want to deal with it right now. I have too much going on. Which reminds me, my schedule at work is changing... I was working 10-6, but as of March 28, I will be working 6:30-9:30, then 3-6... At least I'll have time to squeeze in a nap between loads of laundry before I have to go back in to work... Lord, have mercy. Plus, on Spring Break, I'll be pulling a full time shift. Yay. Then there's church stuff... And Torie now has it in her head that she needs to make me feel beautiful and worthy of love... So that's gonna be fun... and by fun, I mean that every time anyone tries that, I ultimately feel worse than I did to begin with. I walk away exceptionally aware of how single, unloved, and unattractive I feel.. And I can't tell people that, because no one will just listen. Everyone wants to "fix it". No one has figured out you can't "fix it". I just want to be able to tell someone how I feel. But I know that won't happen. I can't even put it all on here for fear that someone, somewhere is reading this. I need God. I'll stop whining now...

Goodnight, and may God continue to bless you..

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you better take care of yourself!! I wish I could eat a small piece of chicken and be full....I go the other way (therein lies my bad self-esteem). You are a very beautiful and smart and funny young woman. Of course, I know that people telling you that doesn't make you feel it. It's something that you have to feel from within. It's hard to let yourself believe it. I know, I've been trying for 37(yikes!!) years now! As far as the Holt International thing goes, we adopted a little one last year at Winter Jam. She has since been adopted and they have assigned us another sweet precious baby! I like knowing that in some small way we are helping a child that we will never even meet. It's kind of cool and feels awesome to be making some sort of difference, even though it's very small. Good luck with your new schedule and just have fun with whatever torture Tori puts you through! LOL

    Love you!
    Lisa P.