Yeah, this may get deep... So if you're in the mood for light reading, come back later and I'll see what I can do. Currently, I have some stuff on my mind, and I figure a blog (which very few, if any, people read) is a good place to get said "stuff" off of my mind.
Okay, so I've had some "boy problems" here lately. After breaking up with Zack, I found a new man. Unfortunately, my parents did NOT approve at all. So after some stupid moves on my part, that ended. I was very bummed, but I can't have men driving me away from my family. Okay, so that's manageable. The problem is this: I may have TWO boys that like me, at least a little. You may be wondering how this is a problem. They're brothers and way too young for me. I mean, I love them to pieces, but... I would feel like a baby-sitter. Heck, half the time I felt that way with Zack, and he was two years OLDER than me. Another little problem... well, not so much a problem as just an oddity. The two boys have an older (25 year old) brother whom my parents both think would be the kind of man I need. Weird things about this: a) He pretty much gave up on women after his ex-wife screwed him over. b) They barely know him. c) I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go for me. d) I barely know him. e) It was totally random. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's exactly the type of man I would love to be with, but I just don't know him personally all that well. I know he's an electrical engineer, he has an amazing family, he's a very sweet guy, he's smart, outdoorsy, funny, sarcastic, really good looking, and VERY manly... But that's about it. So this is where God came into play. I was pondering all these things as I was getting ready for church this morning, and I'll admit it, I got a little upset. I was talking to God, and got a tiny bit frustrated. I believe I said something along the lines of "You know what? Screw it. If you want me to have a man, you have to send him to me. I'm not looking anymore. I quit. Everytime I do anything, I wind up hurt, so you can just do it for me. And I don't even care if you never send anyone. I'm fed up with heartbreak, so I'm leaving all the work for you to do." Now, I know it was wrong of me to be that rude, especially to God, but I was talking to Emily Pendergrass about it tonight and she said something that totally made sense. She said that maybe God wanted me to give it over to Him, even if it meant I got mad about it. And that makes sense. He just wants me to allow Him to put His plan for me into action, but I have to let Him. That's always been the hard part for me. I know some people can just turn things over to God with very few qualms about it, but I'm a control freak. If I don't have complete control over things, I get scared, angry, nervous, worried, and stressed. I can't handle it. And that's what I have to do with stuff. I have to force myself to give it over to God and then NOT take it all back. But at this point, I'm so frustrated that I don't even care anymore. For all I care, I can be single for the rest of my life. If I want kids, I'll adopt or something. I don't need a man... I want one... But whatever. I won't die without one. I would enjoy having a man though... But whatever. That ball is in God's court now.
So, now for the beauty part of the post. As you may or may not know, I have self-esteem issues. I always have, actually. Well, today, Emily and I were talking about my issues, and she gave me a piece of wisdom that I feel I should share with y'all. She said that before Adam and Eve, Lucifer was the beautiful one. He was truly beautiful. Then he turned against God and was cast out of Heaven. So God created man to be a leader, caregiver, protector, etc. He created women for beauty and to bring forth life. So Satan, the ex-epitome of beauty, is now pretty much out to get women. Women are beautiful, like he was, givers of life, while he tries to take life. Now add in being a Christian, and it's a triple threat. He HATES us. So, from now on, when someone says something negative about your appearance, or you think something negative about your appearance (or anyone else's, for that matter), it's not just humanity, it is spiritual warfare, and should be dealt with as such. I thought that was pretty deep.
Alright, so this post may not have been as deep as one might expect, but it's slightly deeper than the previous few. But now I must attempt to sleep. Good night, and God bless.