Ohh goodness... *sigh*

Well, I am a successful woman. I have convinced myself that I don't like *him* anymore. And that is a pretty big stinkin' step. I know, I rock. You don't have to tell me. Haha, I'm just messing. But seriously, I told y'all I could do it... And I did. I don't think I like *him* anymore... We'll see, I suppose. But, even if I don't, I'm still really shy/embarrassed around *him*, so don't expect to see me hanging out with *him* anytime soon.


Anyhoo, I've completely exhausted every ounce of energy my body possibly possessed, and then some. I have driven myself so far past the point of exhaustion and extreme stress that it's not even cool. I rarely eat, and when I do, I don't eat very much at all. I don't get much sleep, and it's not even good sleep. I work, I clean, I teach, I volunteer... I do anything that's asked of me, no matter what. Even though it usually means that I'm going to be tired and stressed... I've gotten better at handling it. I mean, I really should be sleeping right now, but I'm so stressed, I know I can't sleep. However, not sleeping merely adds to the stress. Basically, it's a never ending cycle... Ohhh well. I guess I'll get rested up one day... Maybe.


So, I decided I REALLY want to go to the lake. Like, really, really badly. I would prefer to go with some friends, but as I don't have any friends, I guess I'll just have to wait until bootcamp... Or I could go by myself, like a nerd... Joy. I think I'll just wait 'til bootcamp. Then I'll be with my... "friends". I guess that's what they're called... I don't know.. They don't talk to me anymore, even if I try to talk to them first... I think I annoy them, but it's okay, I guess... I'm used to it now...


But enough whining.... I decided I'm truly, madly, deeply in love... with country music. It's just.. amazing. It helps me chill out and relax a bit. It's seriously one of my great loves. Dr Pepper and coffee are two of my other great loves... As far as people go, I don't think I have any great loves... Except my family, but whatever... I mean, boys-- I can do without them... I think. Haha. We'll find out eventually! But for now, I should probably go... Love y'all! God bless!

Bragging rights... I think I pretty well earned 'em.

Okay, so I tend to think I'm allowed my bragging rights, at least just this once. I made a five, yes a 5, on the AP Spanish test. It's out of 5. So, basically, I made the highest score possible. Which completely astounds me. There have been native Spanish speakers who took the test and said it was hard. So for me, the white girl, to take it and make a 5 is freaking amazing. Señor Nichols was the one who told me, and I literally was fighting back tears. Of course that waned a little when I called my dad, who promptly said "I'm very proud of you. Now maybe you can take that excitement and energy and put it toward retaking your ACT." Which, albeit, I'm not too happy with, but a 29 is pretty good. Apparently it's not good enough though. But whatever. I'll just have to retake it, I guess. That's what my parents want, so I'll do it.

Also, I made a guy's day yesterday... At least, I like to think I did. I went to Joe Bravo (small, but awesome coffee shop across from Knight's) and only had a $20 in cash. I ordered a Caramel Mudd Machiatto, which costs $4.75. So after some small talk with the (very cute) guy working there, he handed me my change, which was $15.25. So I casually left a $5 tip. He figured out what I had done and just got the biggest smile I've ever seen. It totally made my day. I think I should do that more often...


And, today I made a rocking mocha frappuccino. It is awesome! And it was done in a semi-homemade way! Rock on!


But I think I've bragged enough for one post. So, for now, I shall bid you all farewell. God bless.

Ponderings...

"I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude." -Henry David Thoreau.


"Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life's greatest tests alone." -Agnes McPhail.


So I decided that I'm okay with living in solitude for the rest of my life. I'm actually pretty excited about the prospect of never having to worry about pleasing others. And say what you will, I do have to please others, as long as there are others to please. It's just a part of who I am. I'm a people-pleaser; always have been, always will be. And as much as I hate it, I still can't tell people "no". I just can't, and it sucks. I truly wish I could, because that would save me so much stress, time, and energy. But that's totally not going to happen anytime soon at all. I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with stress and exhaustion until I'm rich enough to afford to escape. I can't wait to get away from it all. And if I stay single forever, I'll never have to worry about all the disappointment and pain that comes with relationships. It's a pretty good plan, I think. And if I can go through with it, no one else will ever be hurt by me, either. Which would make me very happy. I hate hurting others, even moreso than I hate being hurt by others. Therefore, I want to save up a ton of money (or win the lottery, haha) and move out into the mountains, to a two or three room cabin. I won't need anything very big, as it would just be me, myself, and I. Nor would it be hard for me to take care of myself. I would find ways to get everything done, without a man to help me. Plus I wouldn't have to worry about tending to the house as much, cooking for two, or anything else that comes with married life. Besides, I'm beginning to think marriage is not as great as everyone else says it is. I've seen too many people burned to really have faith that marriage is even worth it for me. And that's only IF I were to ever find a man willing to marry me, for whom I reciprocate the feelings. I'm thinking either that's not going to happen, or it's going to be a while. Which is fine. If God does want me to get married, I'm sure it won't be any time soon, as He just loves to test patience, at least, that's how it seems. But, honestly, I couldn't care less. I understand now that God has given everyone of us a wonderful gift, solitude, and most people reject it and don't appreciate it. I think I can see solitude as the beautiful thing that it is. Solitude gives us the opportunity to truly reflect on God's power, beauty, and awesomeness. It allows us to get to know ourselves better, which can be daunting, but is rather worthwile. If one can learn to love their own self, they will never be alone: "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with" -Wayne Dyer. Besides, I'm a loner. It's just my personality. I prefer to be alone. My parents actually get frustrated because I would rather be cooped up in my room than hang out with anyone. I really don't have that many friends, and that's fine with me. It seems like I'm getting more and more introverted as I age. By the time I'm 30, I'll have maybe 2 or 3 friends, and that's fine with me. I lose friends like most people lose hair, haha. And, to tell the truth, it does hurt, but I'm getting stronger. One day, it won't hurt at all... at least, that's what I'm hoping for. I just think that once I truly begin to love myself, it won't matter whether or not others love me as well. Thus, losing "friends" won't hurt. I'll be better off alone than with friends who don't truly love me. But that's just my random rant for the day.


On a more positive note, I read something the other day that was so hilarious, I laughed until I CRIED. Not lying at all, or even exaggerating. I shall include a link to said awesomeness. It is definitely worth your time. Promise.


http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html



Did you laugh at it? I did! Well, I shall now say goodbye... at least for now. Peace out and God bless.

Must be doing something right.. Oh, wait, no, no I'm not.

So, Seth admits he likes me, then decides that he should talk to Michael about it. Michael apparently thinks I'm a nice enough person, but I'm only 18, and he's used to having parents want their girls to be with him. So, that talk couldn't have just been about Seth liking me... Therefore, if anyone needs me, I'll be curled up in a hole in a cave on a mountain in the middle of nowhere so that I will NEVER have to show my face again. Especially around *him*. Also, I've decided that I'm just going to pretend I don't like *him* until I really don't... That usually works, right? Now, if I could just convince Seth to do the same... He said he likes me because, no matter how bad he screws up, I've always screwed up worse, and I never get mad at him for screwing up... Umm, I'm pretty sure that is NOT a good reason to like someone. Just saying, if someone is a huge screw up, you should probably avoid that person. And me not getting mad just means that I'm not a complete failure as a friend. That does not make me the person he should like. Argh. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's an awesome boy, and therein lies the problem. He's just a boy. That, and our personalities may work on a friendship level, but on a romantic one, it could NOT work at all. I hate to say that, because I don't want to hurt him... Maybe if I just keep pointing out my flaws, he'll stop liking me... I know that may not be the *best* plan ever, but I'm just hoping he'll realize that I'm not right for him. One can only hope, right?

I guess I'll find out... For now, I'm going to end this. I'll keep y'all updated on everything. Later.

Music=love.

So, I have no new guy news... Sorry, y'all.


Anyway, I had an... interesting day, to say the least. At the beginning of the day, I decided it was going to be a good day, no matter what. Well, life decided it didn't want me to have a good day, so life and I got into a fight. I grabbed life by the horns and just about had it in a chokehold, when life body-slammed me really hard. Apparently, life knows karate... Who knew? But I'm stubborn, so I got up, grabbed life by the horns again, swung it around, kneed it in the ribs, slammed in on the ground, spat in it's face. Basically, I beat life, and therefore my day, into submission. It turned out to be a good day. One of the things that made it a good day was when a three year old boy tried to sing Rain Is A Good Thing. Actual lyrics: "Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky." His lyrics: "Rain makes corn, frippy makes corn, frippy makes my baby happy." I'm not quite sure what "frippy" is, exactly, but if it makes his baby happy, I'm all for it. I may need some frippy, actually... Haha. Also, I got a fifteen minute nap. That was awesome, considering how hard my day had been prior to that. The classroom I taught in today had a janky toilet that decided to flood for no apparent reason, and when I say flood, I mean FLOOD. It was baaaaaad. And it occurred right at naptime, so none of the kids would lay down and go to sleep. Luckily, the other teacher came back shortly thereafter so I could go to lunch. It was still pretty rough... Not to mention the kids' behavior... Ugh. It was just bad. Nevertheless, it was a good day. And with that, I shall shut up... for now. I may come back later with more on my mind... We'll see! God bless!

I'm sorry. The person you're trying to reach is unavailable at this time. Please hang up and try again. Beeeep.

Oh. My. Good. Gravy. 8-6 at daycare. 6-8 at church. Umm... That makes *counts on fingers*.... 12 hours of kids today. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love working with these kids who I absolutely adore (that is a movie quote. Kudos to anyone who knows which movie it is). It's just that I am so stinking tired. I think I need intraveneous caffeine... Do they make that yet? If not, it's only a matter of time. But anyway, I really don't *need* to be posting this right now... I should be doing something productive. However, I've gotten to the point that if I don't get at least some of my thoughts out, I'll go even more crazy than I already am. Which would not be a good thing, AT ALL. If I were to get any crazier, I'm pretty sure I'd be put in a mental institution. Of course, if I keep getting more and more stressed without bothering to relieve any of it, I'll have a psychotic breakdown and wind up in a mental institution anyway. So, either way, I need to chill. I think I need to start exercising again. It's great stress relief, and I need to get toned... But it's all a matter of time, rather, the lack thereof. I know I make time to blog, but blogging takes far less time than a legitimate workout, considering my definition of a "workout". I mean, even if I take it easy and only do 30 minutes to an hour, I still don't have that kind of time. I need to though. Although this job is probably making me lose weight. I hardly have time to eat, and I'm constantly moving or picking kids up. It's crazy. But enough about that mess.



So, just because I know I have at least two people interested in this boy stuff (you know who you are), I'll post a teeny bit about that whole deal. Okay, so for starters, my friend who shall remain nameless, yet I know will read this, has determined that I should go talk to *him*. I think she's a total nutcase for even suggesting this, as I am HORRIBLE at talking to people... especially guys I actually like. Also, she said I shouldn't fight liking *him*, which I currently am, because fighting it implies that I don't really trust God. However, I like to think that by fighting it I am proving I do trust God, because I'm not leaning on my own emotions to tell me what God wants. That, and I know I'll get hurt if I do let myself like *him*, and I don't want that, so I'm not going to. I'm not saying *he* would intentionally hurt me. I'm just saying that unrequited emotions and dashed hopes tend to be slightly painful, and I'm not up for that. At least not yet. I've been hurt too many times to voluntarily let myself be hurt. That's just s-t-u-pid, stupid. So, I'm going to fight it and try to be patient... Just going to wait for God to do this in His own time. Which usually means it's going to take a while... I guess I have no other choice... Oh well. But anyway, one of the brothers mentioned in a previous post actually admitted that he likes me... Which makes me sad, because I don't want to hurt him. So he and I talked about it, and I made him promise to not do that to himself. Besides, he has another girl he likes too, so it should be okay... hopefully. Now if I can just make myself not like... well, you know who, then we'll be great...



But for right now, I think I need to go shower then clean my room... Since it's 11 and I have to be up early tomorrow... Okay... Seriously, I'm shutting up now... Okay... Goodnight, and God bless.



Oh, and I shall keep you two ladies filled in on my guy issues if you would like. Love you, Mrs. L and Ms. R. :) You guys rock.

Oopsie daisy...

So I just realized that I accidentally deleted my previous post... oops. I promise it was an accident and I'll post a new one ASAP. Good night and God bless.