Dear Abby... thank you.

I've been slightly... upset... today and yesterday about a certain boy who most likely doesn't even want to date me right now.. But I was talking to my friend Abby, and she said he needs me. I was caught a little off guard and asked her why HE needs ME... Her response? "Because you're YOU. You're a beautiful, headstrong, outspoken, and multifaceted woman who breathes fire and ice. Any man would be lucky to even stand in your presence." Oh my gosh. I was not expecting that response. But she is one of those people that won't lie to me, and hasn't known me long enough to be afraid to hurt me, but has known me long enough to know who I am. So I pretty much believe her about most things. That, and most of that was just true. I would never call myself beautiful or say any man would be lucky to be in my presence, but the rest of it I would say about myself... I never thought they were good qualities, but they were qualities I knew I possessed... So now I just sit back and wait... That boy can either decide he wants me enough to pursue me, or he can decide he's not interested. Either way, I know I will be okay.

On a slightly different note, I have decided to watch all the sermons in the GFC/NLC archives... I watched 4 this morning. I also listened to a ton of music (like Desert Song by Hillsong... it rocks my world). I also decided to take up meditating... I need to learn to sit down, shut up, and listen to God. I'm like the little kid running around chanting "Daddy, daddy, daddy!!" at the top of my lungs while God is saying "Caitlin, if you'll just sit down and be quiet, I'll give you the things I have for you." But I'm that frustrating child who just won't be still and quiet. I have to learn to control my "ADD" so that I can receive the things God has for me. I know this, and I accept this as true, and I am now working to better myself in this area. I'm excited about where my life is going to go. I also decided I need to live on purpose. I don't know my calling, and I don't know God's plan for me, but I can still live on purpose. I'm ready and willing. "If You can use anything, Lord, You can use me..."

Anyway, I have to take my car in to the body shop pretty early tomorrow, so I'm going to get ready for bed. I love you all, and I'm praying for you! Goodnight, and God bless.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is.... going to be good. It better be. I will (FINALLY) be able to drink Dr Pepper again!! Also, I'll be 19... And birthdays at work mean cookie cake!! Also, I have to start baking a cake... Sometime this weekend, I'm going out to eat with my family... I have no clue where. I'm supposed to pick... but I suck at that... Sunday I have to talk to Seth... Here's the dealio... My parents decided I am allowed to date him, so I talked to his parents and they're cool with it too. They just want me to wait until he's recovered from having his wisdom teeth removed (that's on Thursday). I just hope he still likes me. From the way he's been talking, I don't think he does... which breaks my heart. Oh well. Better my heart than his, I suppose. That is what I asked God for.


Anyway, new stuff I want for my birthday:

CDs or tees from the following (however, I'm picky about tees...):

• The White Stripes
• The Black Keys
• The Raconteurs
• The Fratellis
• Cold War Kids
• Modest Mouse
• Queens Of The Stone Age

Or any other alternative rock stuff I've been listening to here lately... it makes me happy. Which is pretty cool, since not much can make me happy recently. Music touches my soul in a way that nothing else can. Except maybe love. But since I ain't feelin' much of that lately.... so I turn to music. And prayer... obviously.


I miss Seth. He says he still wants to be my friend, but he doesn't. He avoids me, doesn't respond to texts, and rarely speaks to me unless he has to. That boy has to hate me... I'm sure of it. I just wish he didn't... Oh well... If it were meant to be, it would work... So I guess it's not... Which is for the better, I'm sure. He deserves someone much nicer than I am... I just wish he would at least be my friend. We went from talking all day, every day, to almost never speaking. This just sucks. But I'll stop whining now.


I do believe I need a long, hot shower to wash the stress off... Therefore, goodnight and God bless you guys. If you think about it, pray for me. I'm really past my breaking point. I don't know how I'm holding up. The only explanation I can come up with is that God is holding me together. Oh well... Later, y'all.

"Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side..."

Okay, I will make this short and sweet. Within the past two days I have:

-had a garage door break... at my uncle's house... while I was housesitting.
-had to sit through a five hour workshop... it was boring.
-had to sit through said workshop and only eat a few mini muffins and a few pieces of celery... until 8 PM.
-had to clean up dog pee off of the bed I'm sleeping in.
-had a guy hit on me... and then had my dad threaten to take his little booty down! (I'll get to that story in a second.)


Good things in the past two days:

-found a king sized Hershey bar in my backseat... no, it's not old. I just forgot I had it.
-been brought a mocha frappuccino by my awesome little sister.
-went to a concert... Dash Rip Rock and Cowboy Mouth at the Rev Room... good stuff!
-had a bit of (possibly) good news from the 'rents... (y'all have to wait to find that one out... just in case).


Alright, STORY TIME!! Gather round everyone, it's time for the good story. Whilst at the Rev Room, rocking out to Cowboy Mouth, this guy walked up and asked me my name. I told him mine, he told me his, and shook my hand. He was not cute and very weird, but I didn't think anything of it... until the lead singer started pulling people from the second level down to the floor. He pulled me down, and creepy guy (I don't remember his name) followed me. I blew it off as him just wanting to be on the floor or something.Until I stepped up onto this little raised area on the floor level. He followed me up there! And there wasn't enough room for him! I was getting pretty creeped out (and squished), so I pushed my way back up to the second level to stand by my daddy. Well, wouldn't you know it, Mr. Creepy McStalkerpants was soon right back up there trying to stand by me. When I inched closer to my daddy, Creepster looked at my dad and said "What's your name?" My daddy grabbed me and moved me in between Seth J and himself and told the creep (in... slightly different words) "Back off.. that's my daughter. I will take you down." I didn't see that dude for the rest of the night. It was cool. My dad is a rockstar. I was about ready to tell that guy off myself. Or punch him in the face... one of the two. It was fun.


Also, just about any workshop with handouts, which include quizzes/activities that WON'T be taken up, can become fun. Just be sarcastic and rude (or just be yourself, as it is in my case), and you will come up with some great stuff. Also, be sure to play with the mini beach ball you may win as a door prize... during the lessons. I had fun with this type of stuff.. I'm such a trouble maker. But hey, when the boss is bored, you can get away with anything... Good stuff. Well, since I got all of 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I have to be at church at 7 tomorrow morning, I'm going to turn in for the night... Goodnight, y'all. God bless!

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all...

Fair warning: the following post is very likely to be very whiny. You have been warned. I am no longer responsible for anything that happens to you while reading this.

Okay, so I had the wreck. That's okay, I'm fine now. However, my neck has been very sore ever since. If you know me at all, you know that I refuse to go to the doctor unless there is a VERY good chance that I'm dying, and even then it's a fight to get me there. But that's okay, because it's just a little stiff. Then there's all my emotional drama... which is okay, because I'm pretty good at dealing with this kind of stuff. And then there's work. Oh my word. This job will be the death of me, I'm sure. And it's really only one kid... He has now flipped me off, thrown blocks at other children and me, hit other children, kicked everyone, thrown things at parents of other children, cursed everyone out (he called me a f***ing b****!!), knocked over shelves, attempted to choke other kids, and yesterday he finally did something so bad that now we're trying to expel him (which is really hard, since he's bipolar)... What did he do that had my boss absolutely furious? He punched me in the face. Really, really hard. Right under my right eye is actually a little swollen. He said he was going to knock me out, and he actually tried to. So he's suspended until Thursday. His little outbursts like this are getting more frequent and far more violent. I can't handle this anymore. Hopefully I won't have to.



Alright, I'm done whining now. I would just like to say that the Communion/Commissioning service at church Sunday night was AMAZING. I needed that more than anyone could have ever known. It truly was a gift from God. We need more services like that. No preaching, just worship and prayer. That's what my soul needs. Yes, preaching is a vital part of ministry, but I long for just worship and prayer. That's when I feel most ministered to. Just a thought though. I don't run things, so I can't decide what we should do.


Anyway, I'm going to go be a "good kid" and clean house a bit before I have to go to work. I love you all very much!! God bless you and your families!

Crash...

Yesterday was just NOT my day. I worked from 6:30 until about 5 (they let me off a little early!!), and while on my lunch break, I was involved in an accident. Luckily it was not my fault and no one was hurt, but it still sucked. I was really shaken up and very, very nervous. I've never wrecked before, so I didn't know what to do. It was okay though. It happened right past the Cabot Police Department, so they were there before I even thought about calling. I never had to talk to the other driver, even to get his information; the police handled everything and made it so much easier. 

Anyway, enough about that... I just registered for Walk MS! I'm on Dusty H.'s team, so that should be super fun! If you want to sign up, or contribute to my fundraising efforts, let me know, and I shall hook you up with the proper links. I'm pretty excited about it!

Okay, so I'm excited about the Jason Aldean concert Friday night... Markus, Megan, Seth, and I are all going (is it sad that I alphabetized their names?). It's going to be so much fun! Then the 28th is Cowboy Mouth at the Rev Room, which is going to ROCK. 

Quick quote from a song: "Love is when you want a kiss and you get bit" --She's A Genius by Jet. Couldn't agree more, due to my current situation. This sucks. I miss my friend. I want to talk to Seth, but I can't. Not after what happened. Not yet, anyway. I still feel like he hates me. I'll see something, or do something, or think of something and I want to text him to tell him, but I can't. For example, when I wrecked yesterday, he was the first person I wanted to text after I called my parents. Instead, I just didn't text anyone until several hours later. I miss having him there to talk to. I miss my best friend. Of course, I also still love him, no matter how he feels about me... which sucks, quite frankly. Oh well... that's just how my life works; I tell myself not to do something, do it anyway, then get my heart broken. I'm kind of getting used to it. At least God answered my prayer... I asked that if anything did happen between Seth and I, that it be due to a change in his heart and not mine, because I would much rather have to handle the heartbreak myself than inflict that sort of pain onto Seth. I'm like an emotional cutter. Ah, well... pain fades eventually... Someday I shall find lasting love. Stephanie told me God is just holding on to my one true love for me... Well, if He let go, that would be fine with me... haha. I know I've still got a while to go, and that's okay. More time for me to work on me, I guess. 

Alright, I think that's enough whining for now. Love you guys. God bless you all!

In light of how stinky my past few days have been, I thought I should try something new: make a (short) list of the things I like about myself or have accepted as truths.

1. I will never be rail thin... and that's okay.

2. Even if boys don't always like me, I'm still an okay person.

3. I'm capable of being alone.

4. I always rise to meet a challenge.

5. I will go out of my way to help someone.

6. There are very few things on this earth that truly scare me.

7. I handle pain, both physical and emotional, very well.

8. I have (almost) endless amounts of energy that I very gladly channel into work and church.

9. I can fake energy when I don't have it... happiness too.

10. I truly love serving others.

11. I will never be a "girly girl"... I will always be a tomboy, and that's okay.

12. I'm not afraid to say what I think, but don't just go around saying anything that pops into my head.

13. I truly care for other people... sometimes to a fault.

14. I will always fight for what I feel is right.

15. I am learning to love myself, even when I'm not too loveable (which can be pretty often).



Okay, that's all I can think of for now... but that's a lot for me. Usually, getting me to compliment myself is like organizing a tea party for Bigfoot, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a herd of unicorns. It's even harder than getting me to truly accept a compliment. But anyway, I just needed to do that, so that when I feel useless, unloved, unworthy, and just generally depressed later, I can come back and read this. I love you all, and please don't worry about me. I'm okay... even if I'm not, I will be soon. God bless.

Yes, I'm being slightly dramatic, but I heard this song and it fits my mood...

Goodbye To Love-- The Carpenters

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made up my mind
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for

All the years of useless search have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty day will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I may see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love



Now, I know this is dramatic, but for some reason, just typing these lyrics up made me feel a little better... it's such a cheerfully depressing song... I know Seth is right in what he did, but that doesn't make it hurt less. I know that I've got plenty of time to find a man, but that doesn't take the pain away. I know I've got people here that love me and are here for me, but I'm still upset. So I guess it's just going to take time. And prayer. Lots of prayer. All I know is that it's my own fault that I allowed myself to be vulnerable. However, I know that eventually I will need to be vulnerable and it will be very hard for me. Harder than it was before... and before, it was like being an unarmed one woman army fighting the Romans AND the Spartans in an uphill battle. Oh well... It doesn't matter anyway... Goodnight guys...